The "Wright" Eleven

Stung by severe criticism of being too regional in their approach by none other than the erstwhile John Wright, the Indian selection committee for once decided to cast away their regional accents & select the playing eleven entirely on merit. This pure merit selection actually paved the way for a lot of non-entities in the field of cricket to enter the team based on sheer skill & past experience.

Captain - Salman Khan
Their quest for an allrounder captain - who can bowl maidens over, match wits or biceps if required with hefty australians & most importantly one who would not look like a wimp with his shirt off (who can forget Sourav's infamous celebration in England) - ended at Salman khan. Armed with the right accent for the job & exceptional fielding & throwing skills (he is once rumoured to have killed a black buck with a cricket ball), Salman is sure to take Indian cricket to the next level

Slip fielder 1/No 4 batsmen - Jaswant Singh
A man determined to not let any one - mole or no mole - slip by during his watch, Jaswant is a natural choice for the slip fielder. One who has to keep his eyes & ears open, with experience in sledging - openly by calling people names -the slip fielder is one critical position. More over with his antiquated form of dressing, Jaswant is sure to bring back some sweet/bitter memories of the gentlemans game for old timers.

Slip fielder 2/No 5 batsmen - Dalmiya
One key requirement of a slip fielder is razor sharp reflexes & a determination to hang in there. Mr Dalmiya with his years of experience of staying low & still in the same position & an uncanny ability to keep things to himself was a sure shot selection to the team. Moreover with his 40 GB inbox full of emails written by ex cricketers about the current crop, he is rumoured to have something to say to every opening batsman worth his salt.

Wicket keeper batsmen - Himesh Reshamiyya
The most important weapon in a WK's armoury is his voice. From the golden times of Kiran More to the present day Kamran Akmals of the world, WKs have revelled in abusing the batsman and asking "Housaaa" to the umpire every 3 minutes. Himesh Reshamiyya, better known as the 'nightingale of modern india' who has single handedly transformed the nasal twang into a style statement, was a unanimous choice for the WK post. As many as 4 pakistani batsmen who had listened to him earlier are rumoured to be thinking of retirement than bat with the nightingale behind them.

Pace bowler - 1 - Barkha Dutt
Someone who has proved her mettle in all types of battle fields & playgrounds, Barkha's reputation of throwing a bouncer every six minutes, her ability to make the public swing either way and the innumerable appeals that she has made in her lifetime, made her a natural choice for 'opening bowler'. Insiders in the BCCI claim that she has already done her research on most umpires in the panel & is ready to travel to remote corners of the world to their houses to appeal to them better.

Spin bowler 1 - Rajdeep Sardesai
A man known to put a new spin to every story, it was his deceptive charm & guile which earned Rajdeep the coveted role of 'spin bowler' in the Indian team. He has apparently developed a 'Chaudha', a delivery which he claims will be 'Breaking News' whenever he bowls it - as an answer to the 'Doosras' & 'Theesras' which are now common place.Known to carry a hidden camera wherever he goes, Rajdeep has apparently asked the committee not to include him in any day night matches as this would affect the 'State of the Nation' as we know it.

(To be continued..)

Crooked Drive with a Straight Bat

After having taken all of two loo breaks between the analyses, live telecasts, highlights & analyses, Sanjay Manjrekar finally got off live TV, happy with the fact that all balls, bats, hits, misses, the entire presentation party at each of the ODIs which covered half of Pakistan, the coaches, its drivers, the bellboys, the barbers, the local cops providing security, the local thugs at the boundary line, the witchdoctor who performed half a raindance for some moisture on the wicket, the ex-Mind Your Language script writer who was the language trainer for the commentators & the platform heel supplier for Sivaramakrishnan were analysed one after the other, from all angles through dartfish, wagon wheel, pumice stone & the super slow motion technlogy.

A relieved man, he went on to write an email to the top honcho in Ten Sports about his experiences, with particular reference to an ex pakistani captain. But as is the norm now a days, the email was leaked to an obscure Bengali Pensioners annual magazine, the editors of which are still contemplating whether to publish it or not. But the mandatory hidden camera of an IBN reporter who happened to furtively pass through the building, caught a glimpse of the email, and it was decided that this has enough fire to be an exclusive on the pathetic State of the Nation show. The full, abridged & exclusive version of the email reads

Dear head honcho,

For my show, the Straight Drive, since we could not afford the ridiculous fees asked by Imran Khan, we decided to use a computer controlled animatronix dummy. All we had to do was run a tape in the background saying "Pakistan should change the batting order. Its best players should bat right upfront. Younis at 3, Inzy at 4, Yousuf at 5", "Mohammed Sami", & "Sack Woolmer" every 5 minutes.

This led to some interesting debate -
Me - Imran - any advise to the budding pace trio of India?
Imran - "Pakistan should change the batting order. Its best players should bat right upfront. Younis at 3, Inzy at 4, Yousuf at 5"
Me - So who do you think is the best Indian spinner?
Imran - "Mohammed Sami"
Me - Should pakistan have a bowling coach?
Imran - "Sack Woolmer"

Coming now to the commentators, we faced some protest from the MICC - Marginal Indian Cricketers turned Commentators Union. They insisted that Ten sports refrain from insulting its members by showing their ODI/Test histories on live TV. The visual under question was-

Arun Lal, Former Test Player
3 Tests, 2 Ranji matches & 5 Seniors Benefit Matches (1970 - 1999)

L Sivaramakrishnan, Former Test Player
70 overs (1980 - 2000)

Dean Jones' enthusiasm for getting into the thick of action, saw him get two warnings for running on the pitch - a first for a commentator - while trying to grab an interview as soon as the bowler started his runup to the bowl the delivery that Yuvraj hit to the boundary to win. He also put a lot of performance pressure on the coaches to put up innovative fielding practices for him to report on every day morning - Woolmer asking his boys to recite the alphabet backwards while running forward to take a catch & Chappel hiring bulls from the local farm to charge at Raina & Co while they tried to knock a stump down from a 100 yards. The loser each day had to face the wrath of the entire cricketing world for the non imaginative fielding exercises designed by the coach.

(Imran Khan had this to say about these exercises.."Sack Woolmer")

Ramiz raja tried his best to appear as impartial as a contestant in Fear Factor cheering for his opponent, having first eaten the live animals. But there was a real danger of him losing his prized curls as towards the end of the 4th match, he was pulling out his hair trying to come up with ways to attribute Indias wins to super natural forces, injuries, bad outfields & the weighted coin used for the toss rather than (Oh the unthinkable) bad cricket by Pakistan.

But the real news is that I have come up with a better alternative to Straight drive - The Reverse Sweep! Since I am an expert on Cricket & a proven anchor I can do both roles - so we dont need any other experts. It will be a fitting reply to all who say that there are no Indian all rounders! I will ask the question and I will answer. That way no one can interrupt me while interviewing someone or cut in during my opening lines saying ""Pakistan should change the batting order. Its best players should bat right upfront.."

Yours truly,
Sanjay Manjrekar (At the top of the order)

Statutory Disclaimer - No former cricketers were hurt during the writing of this email

Alternate Career Options - 2. Fake Cricketers

Indian cricketers are probably the most expensive stars to put in an ad, after bollywood stars. But then 'suggestion' is everything isnt it? At least 3 brands now use one prominent cricketer, and then have some 4-5 'fellas in blue'around him.

All it takes to become one of these 'background boys' is a distinctive hairstyle closely resembling a cricketer. These days, even that is not hard. All you need to do is ignore your barber for six months. So you can skip all the dirty jobs - You dont need to - carry bottles to stars on the ground, get your effigies (!) burned in front of your home just because you could not hit that last ball six, drink two litres of milk every day or develop an accent specifically for the end of match interview etc.

Not only will you get to feel like a true blood cricketer, you can also con millions of people into buying the product cos they think its half of the indian team on TV. So if you want to be in the limelight, con people while doing it, act as a cricketer even though you may believe that Sourav & Greg are best friends.