Alternate Career Options - 1

English tagline writers for Hindi movies.

One of the most sought after jobs in the industry, as no self respecting hindi movie can afford to come out without a tagline. The fast trackers in this field have produced such gems as - "Lucky - No time for love", "Daag - The fire" and"Baaz - A bird in danger". To be a tagliner, you need to have an inborn talent to combine the words love, different & pyaar in as many combinations as possible.

For eg - "A different love story", "Not a different love", "Love differently" etc.

Once you have spent a couple of years writing tag lines, you can choose to be a specialist -
the doubler. These are the best in the field, who specialise in choosing the most creative doubling/arrangement of alphabets where a common, run of the mill spelling wont do. Currently they are more in demand in the TV industry where "Kkusum" & other less famous shows are already teaching kids every where, the fun & 'astrologically correct' way to spell.

Had time given half a chance to these guys, we could have had "KKuch KKuch Hoota HHai" or "KKabbhi khhushhi KKabbhi GUM" when we had to settle for much less. But I am sure that we will all be seeing their work in movie titles very soon.

For the top 1% in this profession, as is the case in every other, the glamour & the big bucks wait. They become 'Personal spelling consultants to movie stars'. These guys tell stars what they should be called. How can a plain Sunil compare to Suniel ? The one extra e adding an aristocratic touch which no amount of hair gel & chewing gum can bring. Hell we knew we wanted a bit more of Ash, but it took these guys to deliver an "Aishwaryaa Rai".

Who knows what would have happened to the great Amjad Khan had he got the benefit of an extra A or K in his name & was not just carrying around AK 47s.?

Four most cliched romantic things which only TV couples seem to do

1. Washing the car together then spraying water over each other, fully clothed unmindful of who will do the laundry or who will explain the water trails all over the apartment complex
2. Having a small fight over the remote & then throwing the popcorn/nachos over your partners head & then continuing to watch the show, despite the smell.
3. The wife helping the husband to shave & miraculously managing not to cut off either his nose, ears or huge chunks of face, in spite of having motive, weapon & opportunity.
4. Driving off at the drop of a hat to Jaipur, throwing to wind all caution about jobs, the piled up dishes at home & leaving the kids to the forces of nature

The Great Indian Musical

One in every three & a half guys is supposed to be a Chinese. One in every two Indians is either a contestant, a relative to a contestant, was a contestant or is training to be a contestant in a singing competition on national television.
I am the other one in two.

Indian TV has successfully cracked the puzzle to good reality television - grown men & women crying like little babies. The human angle, I think it is called. First the losers. Then their parents start crying. Then the winners, because they cant just stand around gloating when tears are flowing like champagne. Then, a bit of tear from the hosts who some time back were hell bent on screwing the living hell out of the contestants. All for the larger good.

Then they play one of the following songs:-
1. Kabhi alvida na kehna..
2. Kal...rahe ya na rahe..
3. Musafir hoon yaaron..

Then its time for the winners to gloat.

I would not be surprised if mothers in Mussafurpur and Meenambakkam start training their kids for Indian Idol, along with IIT JEE. Not only would it be financially as sound a decision & the kids would be spared the ignominy of being called geeks.

While spawning a generation of half baked singers who will break into tears every time some one says "shut up dude", this popular movement will also provide much needed employment to the "Seniors" of the musical world. Each contest will need a judge, one who has demonstrable abilities to criticise & keep throwing lines like "It was all ok, but you need to come out of your shell a bit more" at hapless contestants.

Thus everyone will be happy. But my knowledge in abstract mathematics tells me that precisely 50% of the population will go mad by the end of it, or join the other half.

On a shaky table in a coffee shop

Have nt you wondered about why guys sit alone in Coffee shops ?

It is difficult try & accept it is probably a coincidence, when a series of things seem to go wrong in one day. And to fight the overwhelming feeling that these things can only happen to you. Yeah, right. And then to stop thinking about the damn Murphys law. Murphy is the biggest fatalist I know. I have a sneaking feeling that he was one of the founding fathers of the "Optimist-Pessimist" series of jokes.

I missed a train.

Normally this would not trigger off a cataclysmic series of events which would signal the end of the world as we know it. But then I dont normally miss trains.

Here was a day where I had booked far in advance. Then I get a chance of going home early. Being the homebody that I am, I decide to cancel my ticket, forego 50% of the original amount and reach the station about 1 hour before the departure of the earlier train.

There, I have eliminated any possibility of me missing the train. This includes traffic jams, political rallies, religious processions, quacks selling snake oil on the street, potholes going through a midlife crisis - who came first - the road or the pothole, & the ticket clerk who is having a bad day.

But no! How dare I forget the nimbleness that our railways have acquired in the post Laloo era. Surely train timings must be like everything else that we proud Indians stand for. Something so well epitomised by our cricketers - excellent average without the danger of being consistent.

The ticket clerk is indeed having a bad day - but my stupified look at being told that the train has left 20 mins back has given her whole day a new meaning. I can almost picture her years from now, sitting back on the easy chair & telling her grandchildren "I still remember like yesterday the day when that idiot came to buy a ticket......"

In Kerala, we have translated "misery loves company" as "Coconuts fall onto the head of a guy struck by lightning". And with so many bloody coconut trees sticking up like natural lightning arrestors, "it is not that hard to imagine".

So next time you see a lonely guy sitting in a coffee shop, tell him to stay away from coconut trees while there is lot of lightning.

Gods own..

My wife says that I am a walking advertisement for Kerala.

I say Why not.? It is still one of those places where quaint little plants go to sleep every night, during the day living together as part of joint families, where sleepy railway stations dot the countryside every five kilometres, the rails between them forming a steel necklace for the state. I feel that Kerala is like one of those old gramophone records, which require some winding now & then, plays its tune & stops without a repeat button. It gets to you. At times its green driving you crazy. At times its people.

The best way to see kerala is on its many trains. While it is raining. Sitting on the steps of the train. Looking out through the door. Getting drenched.

I feel everyone should have a favourite tree in the world. If you havent found yours yet, then Kerala is the place to start looking.

My favourite tree is by the backwaters on the Kollam-Trivandrum rail route. Just before the bridge from where you can see the sea & the backwater separated by a narrow road. For many years I thought about how it would be like feel like travelling on that road. When I did, I felt like I had lost a dream. That is the thing with dreams, I suppose.

My pick of the Best train journeys in Kerala
5. Quilon-Trivandrum on the Madurai Passenger for the many shades of sunsets
4. Entering Kerala on a monsoon morning from TN on the Madras Mail
3. Metre Gauge Train from Quilon - Shengottai
2. The coastal rail line along the Bekal fort in Kasargode
1. Crossing the river Nila on the never ending bridge near Ottapalam