When Parasuraman, in a mad burst of anger flung his axe into the sea to reclaim a little strip of land, he would not have guessed that the fiery axe throwing, revolutionary, opinionated spirit would be the driving force of the people who came to live in that land.
Today, Kerala as we know it turns 50. Despite having probably the least no of working days in the country & the maximum no of 'opinion makers' - those who sit around all day making opinions, Kerala has done remarkably well for itself. What better a day than today to think of some of the myriad contributions this state has made to the world...!!
Food
Kerala has an exotic range of cuisine, from the globally acclaimed breakfasts of Puttu & appams, along with a staggering variety of non veg dishes that we eat through every day. But there are some which stand out, because of their contribution to brand Kerala.
1. Banana chips
Every little junction in Kerala now has a cart selling banana chips - with the flavour, thickness & colour varying from town to town. So you have the thicker, salt & pepper flavoured chips from Trivandrum to the svelte ones from Trichur to the even more anorexic ones in Calicut, each claiming to be the authentic 'mother of all banana chips'. Stores even display certificates of participation in the 'Annual banana convention' & sure enough there must be an All Kerala Banana Chips Sellers Association - with two wings having leftist & rightist orientations.
Any self respecting Keralite knows that it is his/her responsibility to bring back kiloes of chips back to where all self respecting Keralites work - outside Kerala. We also know that these chips are available in railway stations across the country, just in case we forget to get the 'authentic ones' .
The best chips : Shanmugha chips, near Sree Chitra Home, Thakaraparambu,Trivandrum
2. Kerala Porotta
There are conflicting claims about the origin of this multi faceted roti. In TN, they sell it as Ceylon Paratha & since I do not profess any regional cuisine knowledge whatsoever, I shall not give any other conflicting claims. Two shops away from each banana chips stall is the Porotta counter. The making of the Porotta is an art in itself - the love affair with oil beginning at times almost 3 hours before the actual making of it.
For some reason, we have decided that this art is something to be displayed - so all the 'chicken corners' & shops selling 'chapathi & chicken' will have the Porotta counter outside, where a gruff looking lungi clad man will go about beating up, dipping in oil, stretching, dipping in oil, flipping & fanning in the air, dipping in oil, elongating, dipping in oil, creating a jalebi like pattern, dipping in oil, beating with a flat palm, dipping in oil, putting on a black slab, splashing on oil, creating a stash, beating the crap out of it & finally dipping in oil for some flavour. And magically, the multi layered porotta is created. According to specialists, the more you beat up the porotta, the more layers it will get. Clearly a Type B approach to food.
The best porotta - "balayannan's" shop which started as a cart, now apparently a business conglomerate near the Uppidamood bridge, Kaithamukku, Trivandrum. For those not clued in to Malayalam phrases - 'annan' - a term denoting respect similar to 'Bhai', 'Annai'
3. Beef Fry
People think that Kerala is a land of beefeaters. It is largely true. Though this is ascribed to the pluralistic society, it is largely due to the fact that we are not averse to eating any animal - holy or not. Kerala, because of its strong communist & socialist roots has a poor man's version for everything - for eg, the movie star Dileep is considered as a poor mans Mohanlal & so on. Beef is the poor man's - as well as students', daily workers' and the headload workers unions' (who constitute about 80% of Kerala's able bodied youth & 90% of Kerala's able bodied old men) - chicken.
There are many varieties to the Beef fry - known as beef chilli, beef chilli fry, beef roast etc, depending on where you eat it. One amazing thing is that beef fry is perhaps the only dish which is served garnished with onion rings, irrespective of the size, smell & location of the joint. Best eaten with Kerala Porotta.
The best beef fry - Mali rest-o-rent, 'Kavala', Changanacherry, Kottayam Dist
Again - 'Kavala' literally means junction. So Kavala in changanacherry is the biggest junction there. (Yes, things are simple in Gods own country)
4. Coconut oil
Some may argue that coconut oil is not a complete food. But we know that every day you have to have your proteins, carbs, vitamins & coconut oil. Scientists across the world are in a mad race to prove that coconut oil is the latest 'fad' oil. Many a weak hearted man have fallen to the charms of coconut oil, and till Oprah tells us about the magic qualities of this oil, we just have to take the risk & get on with it.
No other ingredient has been able to polarise the population in a way like coconut oil - if you like it, you dont know what it tastes like, so you are ok with it OR if you dont like it, you steer clear of all dishes cooked in it. There is a misconception that all dishes in Kerala are cooked with some coconut oil in it. This is largely true. I have a feeling that this extensive use of coconut oil has something to do with the syllabus that we are taught in junior school - the coconut tree is called the 'Kalpa Vriksham' - whose every part has some use or the other. The latest involved generating electricity from coconut oil, but those reports are still unconfirmed.
5. Sharjah shakes
For every Keralite living in Kerala, there are two working in Dubai & one in Sharjah. So it is only natural that this 'Gulf influence' percolate to food & drinks. Sharjah shake is one such phenomenon. The exact formula for sharjah shake is a closely guarded secret, known only to the late great grandfather of the Sharjah Stall owner in Chinnakada, Quilon.So a no of variants have appeared, but all that is in the public domain is that it contains frozen milk, bournvita (or any similar substitute), a small banana & sugar.
Here again, many cities vie for the claim of introducing 'Sharjah' to the masses - but the leadrunners are Quilon & Calicut. The drink is guaranteed to freeze your tongue - you know you have had a good 'Sharjah' when whatever you say for 10 minutes - sounds surprisingly similar to "...yeeble jeeble.." & you find it difficult to close your mouth. 'Sharjah' connoisseurs will scoff at anyone who tries to use a spoon or straw to drink it & will gulp it down in a 'bottoms up' fashion. Like every successful brand, 'Sharjah' has also had its share of rip offs - ranging from "Abu dhabi" to "Al Ain" to "Paris" & "Diana" - all substituting the banana with some other fruit.
The best sharjah - Stall at Chinnakada, Quilon
5. Others narrowly missing the cut were -a. Kozhikode Halwa,b. Appams,c. Banana Fry,d. Kappa (Tapioca) & Fish currye. Puttu (Steamed rice cake)
Showing posts with label Point of view. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Point of view. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Thursday, March 30, 2006
9 to 1
If the countless samurai movies that I have seen are to be believed, Japanese folks are an aggressive lot. Imagine a culture where the most disciplined & self controlled of the lot - the monks, train to be supreme martial art & lethal weapons exponents, during their free time. In India, the most extreme physical activity that any monk has undertaken so far during his free time (according to Sh Ramanand Sagar) has been watching item numbers by 'apsaras' hell bent on breaking his concentration.
So it was not surprising that the Japanese unleashed the most potent & devilish weapon ever invented by man, after Gobi Manchurian Dry. Men, women & kids across remote corners of the world are going crazy over a series of squares - labelled easy, hard & godzilla, a pack of pencils a day & antidepressants. It has been described by many as the disease which would fill up the map of the world shown in many disaster movies, fastest, in red colour. There is no defence against it other than complete illiteracy.
In a classic attempt at disinformation & covering their tracks, the Japanese have gone so far as to say that the weapon was actually invented by an 18th century Swiss post master. Many retired post masters have since then denied this allegation saying that if they could actually use nine numbers simultaneously, then why have we been having only six digit post box numbers? But the most vehement opponent to this so called past-time has been none other than George Bush, saying "It is hard enough to write from 1 to 9 in the correct sequence, making people fill them into tiny little squares along the axes of evil, can only be the handiwork of al Qaeda".
A sudden spike in the number of students taking up complex & imaginary number courses and the reduction of the Amazon rain forest by 30% to meet the demand for pencils have been attributed to the epidemic reach of this weapon. In a rather premature attempt to be the 'thinking supermodel's hero', Salman declared "I think, therefore I Sudoku". Subsequent research has shown that 'Sudoku' actually means 'I am making a fool of myself' in a Japanese dialect spoken only by shaolin monks trained in martial arts & lethal weapons.
So it was not surprising that the Japanese unleashed the most potent & devilish weapon ever invented by man, after Gobi Manchurian Dry. Men, women & kids across remote corners of the world are going crazy over a series of squares - labelled easy, hard & godzilla, a pack of pencils a day & antidepressants. It has been described by many as the disease which would fill up the map of the world shown in many disaster movies, fastest, in red colour. There is no defence against it other than complete illiteracy.
In a classic attempt at disinformation & covering their tracks, the Japanese have gone so far as to say that the weapon was actually invented by an 18th century Swiss post master. Many retired post masters have since then denied this allegation saying that if they could actually use nine numbers simultaneously, then why have we been having only six digit post box numbers? But the most vehement opponent to this so called past-time has been none other than George Bush, saying "It is hard enough to write from 1 to 9 in the correct sequence, making people fill them into tiny little squares along the axes of evil, can only be the handiwork of al Qaeda".
A sudden spike in the number of students taking up complex & imaginary number courses and the reduction of the Amazon rain forest by 30% to meet the demand for pencils have been attributed to the epidemic reach of this weapon. In a rather premature attempt to be the 'thinking supermodel's hero', Salman declared "I think, therefore I Sudoku". Subsequent research has shown that 'Sudoku' actually means 'I am making a fool of myself' in a Japanese dialect spoken only by shaolin monks trained in martial arts & lethal weapons.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Balance of Power
There was a huge celebration in different parts of the country following the government's announcement that electricity would be supplied from 8 AM - 6 PM & 11 PM - 5 AM. However this cheer was shortlived as the govt quickly issued a correction saying electricity would definitely be cut off between 6 - 11 PM, but categorically denied all rumours of an assured supply during the rest of the day.
Soap majors - HLL, P&G & EKTAA Kappoor cried foul,labelling the whole suggestion as a conspiracy from MNCs to shut down the lucrative domestic soap industry. Ekta went one step further and offered to bring back to life any hero or vamp who had been killed off in any show of the power ministers wife's choice. Immediately after this the power minister resigned citing 'urgent domestic matters that require his personal attention' as a reason.
However, the English Teachers Association of India immediately hailed the decision saying that it will save an entire generation of young Indians from impending doom as they would not be exposed to 'astrologically correct' spelling & hence not develop a psychotic tendency to add an extra vowel to every word.
Ram Singh, a hardcore SRK fan - arrested by the police for the seventh time trying to redirect water from an overhead tank onto a cycle wheel & hoping to generate electricity for his entire village - could not understand what the fuss was all about & said that each Indian should stand up & try to generate his own power.
The UPA govt claimed a major victory for the 'Common Minimum Programme' which is the blueprint for an exciting life for the Common man with Minimum resources but a strong strategic nuclear Programme. But having a corporate outlook, the new minister commissioned a Consulting Major to come up with some solutions to the power crisis. Some lateral thinking months later, the firm suggested these alternatives -
1. Ban the famous "Readers Digest - You have won a fabulous prize" mailers. The firm found that hundreds of urban indians stay awake all night, consuming 100 MW of electricity trying to refer 50 of their close friends for an RD subscription, hoping to win a "How not to Retain your Friends - A best seller by Richard Lovelost"
2. Save the entire North East power grid by banning any future reruns of 'Saregama - the Final'. Apparently 4 lakh SMSes are received every day that some passing remark on Debojit's win appears on TV. Potential power savings also include hospitalisation costs of thousands of diehard fans currently undergoing treatment for thumb injuries.
3. Switch off power as soon as Dravid & Wasim Jaffer comes to bat together in any test innings. A three hour power cut during this period will save 500 MW and the viewer will miss only about three runs scored between them.
4. Arrange for a roadshow of 'Swades' in the different US cities, trying to lure back NRI rocket scientists from NASA to travel around the country in airconditioned caravans & build badly needed dams
Soap majors - HLL, P&G & EKTAA Kappoor cried foul,labelling the whole suggestion as a conspiracy from MNCs to shut down the lucrative domestic soap industry. Ekta went one step further and offered to bring back to life any hero or vamp who had been killed off in any show of the power ministers wife's choice. Immediately after this the power minister resigned citing 'urgent domestic matters that require his personal attention' as a reason.
However, the English Teachers Association of India immediately hailed the decision saying that it will save an entire generation of young Indians from impending doom as they would not be exposed to 'astrologically correct' spelling & hence not develop a psychotic tendency to add an extra vowel to every word.
Ram Singh, a hardcore SRK fan - arrested by the police for the seventh time trying to redirect water from an overhead tank onto a cycle wheel & hoping to generate electricity for his entire village - could not understand what the fuss was all about & said that each Indian should stand up & try to generate his own power.
The UPA govt claimed a major victory for the 'Common Minimum Programme' which is the blueprint for an exciting life for the Common man with Minimum resources but a strong strategic nuclear Programme. But having a corporate outlook, the new minister commissioned a Consulting Major to come up with some solutions to the power crisis. Some lateral thinking months later, the firm suggested these alternatives -
1. Ban the famous "Readers Digest - You have won a fabulous prize" mailers. The firm found that hundreds of urban indians stay awake all night, consuming 100 MW of electricity trying to refer 50 of their close friends for an RD subscription, hoping to win a "How not to Retain your Friends - A best seller by Richard Lovelost"
2. Save the entire North East power grid by banning any future reruns of 'Saregama - the Final'. Apparently 4 lakh SMSes are received every day that some passing remark on Debojit's win appears on TV. Potential power savings also include hospitalisation costs of thousands of diehard fans currently undergoing treatment for thumb injuries.
3. Switch off power as soon as Dravid & Wasim Jaffer comes to bat together in any test innings. A three hour power cut during this period will save 500 MW and the viewer will miss only about three runs scored between them.
4. Arrange for a roadshow of 'Swades' in the different US cities, trying to lure back NRI rocket scientists from NASA to travel around the country in airconditioned caravans & build badly needed dams
Thursday, March 02, 2006
When Bush comes to shove
The past weeks have seen hectic activity across the 100 news channels in India with the impending arrival of who is billed as "ironically, the most powerful man in the universe with an IQ of a dead Texan bull who can accurately name the heads of state of almost two countries". The diplomatic community in India has been burning the midnight oil in its civilian facilities trying hard to achieve the impossible - not to come across as 'too clever' in front of Mr President. So it was decided that a 'special' group of people whom the President could relate to & share cowboy jokes with, would accompany him everywhere to keep the 'smart ones' out. Of course this meant that the President would not actually talk with anyone in India throughout his trip other than 'lip service' - where you see him on TV mumbling, laughing & patting everyone on the back while actually not saying anything.
A lot of potential candidates were screened for selection to this special,challenged group. The primary criteria being that you should fail the "Classic Bihar Entrance Test", which has been Indias most noted contribution to the field of science, after zero.You also had to talk tough & texan and be able to spot a weapon of mass destruction as soon as she walked past the next block.
Hundreds of people - including ex poor commentators turned longlasting-invertor brand ambassadors/ex vocal,inquisitive & donation-friendly parliamentarians/ex Indian Idol aspirants & judges/ex Miss India contestants & defenders of world peace - all went through the process but finally a group of three were chosen.
Beating all his contestants bare hands down & beating up some of them, Salman was the first chosen one. Not only was he chosen for his 'as fast as mumbai traffic' wit, but also for his '100% natural American accent' which would enable him to smoothly carry out one line conversations with the President. He was also expected to pass on a few tips of his own about foreign policy, having handled quite a number of foreign born models with consummate ease. Salman was quite happy to note that George and his vice president were avid hunters & looked forward to shooting down some of those damn deer without having to appear before a sub-magistrate.
After searching the width & depth of the entire cowbelt for a suitable candidate, the panel decided that one Mr Laloo, even with a depleted cow population after his cow shed was transformed into a server room by the new tech savy CM, was as close as you could get to a cowboy in India at such a short notice. Laloo himself wanted to crown his political career by getting George to announce a fully airconditioned 'Garibi Rath' from Patna to Pentagon. He also felt that George should really take it a bit easy by letting his 'First wife' to rule the country on his behalf.
The judges had a tough time choosing the last one as it really came down to the wire between Simi G & Karan J, both excellent talkers. But finally Simi G was chosen because not only could she use complex words like 'rendezvous' to mean idle banter with the intention of making one cry but also relate to the inner child in George, who practically made all decisions relating to foreign policy. Simi had all intentions of cracking a life time scoop with George & Laura but she was not sure if the President would dress up in white & wear a stars & stripes hat to match her decor.
With these three dynamic faces of India safeguarding George from the left front, the hartal called in Kerala & most importantly that blasted 'voice of reason', the diplomatic community was positive that the N deal would fall through.
(All persons, references to heads of state & countries and animals are fictitious. But those trying real hard might detect some similarities to real life people - but remember you brought them up)
A lot of potential candidates were screened for selection to this special,challenged group. The primary criteria being that you should fail the "Classic Bihar Entrance Test", which has been Indias most noted contribution to the field of science, after zero.You also had to talk tough & texan and be able to spot a weapon of mass destruction as soon as she walked past the next block.
Hundreds of people - including ex poor commentators turned longlasting-invertor brand ambassadors/ex vocal,inquisitive & donation-friendly parliamentarians/ex Indian Idol aspirants & judges/ex Miss India contestants & defenders of world peace - all went through the process but finally a group of three were chosen.
Beating all his contestants bare hands down & beating up some of them, Salman was the first chosen one. Not only was he chosen for his 'as fast as mumbai traffic' wit, but also for his '100% natural American accent' which would enable him to smoothly carry out one line conversations with the President. He was also expected to pass on a few tips of his own about foreign policy, having handled quite a number of foreign born models with consummate ease. Salman was quite happy to note that George and his vice president were avid hunters & looked forward to shooting down some of those damn deer without having to appear before a sub-magistrate.
After searching the width & depth of the entire cowbelt for a suitable candidate, the panel decided that one Mr Laloo, even with a depleted cow population after his cow shed was transformed into a server room by the new tech savy CM, was as close as you could get to a cowboy in India at such a short notice. Laloo himself wanted to crown his political career by getting George to announce a fully airconditioned 'Garibi Rath' from Patna to Pentagon. He also felt that George should really take it a bit easy by letting his 'First wife' to rule the country on his behalf.
The judges had a tough time choosing the last one as it really came down to the wire between Simi G & Karan J, both excellent talkers. But finally Simi G was chosen because not only could she use complex words like 'rendezvous' to mean idle banter with the intention of making one cry but also relate to the inner child in George, who practically made all decisions relating to foreign policy. Simi had all intentions of cracking a life time scoop with George & Laura but she was not sure if the President would dress up in white & wear a stars & stripes hat to match her decor.
With these three dynamic faces of India safeguarding George from the left front, the hartal called in Kerala & most importantly that blasted 'voice of reason', the diplomatic community was positive that the N deal would fall through.
(All persons, references to heads of state & countries and animals are fictitious. But those trying real hard might detect some similarities to real life people - but remember you brought them up)
Thursday, February 23, 2006
And one flu over the Chickens nest - 1
After centuries of being oppressed, laughed at & being eaten, chicken are striking back. In a brave attempt at regaining their status at the top of the pecking order among domestic fowl below 4 kg, chicken are lashing out. In the last two weeks, it has been widely reported that mysterious chicken are roaming our lands, mingling with unsuspecting people & then handing over cards saying "Welcome to the flu club"
But human response have also been swift - After claiming that this is part of the growing western influence on our eating habits, unidentified miscreants go on to torch all book stores in Mumbai selling 'Chicken soup for the soul' to protect more innocents from learning the recipe. In a symbolic gesture US Vice president tries to shoot down birds that are suspected to carry these cards but also end up shooting his best friend, his wife, a stray cow & Mr Bean .
In yet another sting operation, an IBN reporter dressed as a chicken managed to get an exclusive interview with the top bird, who put forward these demands to end this war.
1. Stop questioning the intentions of Grandpa chicken by repeatedly asking the question "Why did the chicken cross the road" because as he himself has said many times - he was drunk & he does not remember
2. End the existentialist dilemma posed before thousands of young chicken - "Who came first? The egg or the chicken" by constituting a three member empowered committee to figure this out once and for all
3. Recognise the achievements of Johannsen Livingstone Chicken who perfected the art of the chicken run much before seagulls started to fly in crazy patterns & stopped eating dead fish, as an inspirational story of breaking out of your comfort zone & searching for the truth
4. Pay damages to the heirs of the three hundred generations of chicken who underwent severe psychological trauma, when they found out 'McChicken' was not a real surname
(The seeds of this post can be traced to an idea by Rashmi Bansal)
But human response have also been swift - After claiming that this is part of the growing western influence on our eating habits, unidentified miscreants go on to torch all book stores in Mumbai selling 'Chicken soup for the soul' to protect more innocents from learning the recipe. In a symbolic gesture US Vice president tries to shoot down birds that are suspected to carry these cards but also end up shooting his best friend, his wife, a stray cow & Mr Bean .
In yet another sting operation, an IBN reporter dressed as a chicken managed to get an exclusive interview with the top bird, who put forward these demands to end this war.
1. Stop questioning the intentions of Grandpa chicken by repeatedly asking the question "Why did the chicken cross the road" because as he himself has said many times - he was drunk & he does not remember
2. End the existentialist dilemma posed before thousands of young chicken - "Who came first? The egg or the chicken" by constituting a three member empowered committee to figure this out once and for all
3. Recognise the achievements of Johannsen Livingstone Chicken who perfected the art of the chicken run much before seagulls started to fly in crazy patterns & stopped eating dead fish, as an inspirational story of breaking out of your comfort zone & searching for the truth
4. Pay damages to the heirs of the three hundred generations of chicken who underwent severe psychological trauma, when they found out 'McChicken' was not a real surname
(The seeds of this post can be traced to an idea by Rashmi Bansal)
Monday, February 13, 2006
Valentines - Tough days ahead for the Indian male
For many centuries, the youth of India was spared the nervous tension of 'dating' & the subsequent 'finding of the right one'. There was a well oiled network of old moms, aunts & uncles to do it for them. As a result, irrespective of their levels of sensitivity, sense of humour, height, weight & easiness on the eyes, guys got away with murder just based on their genes, whether they were from IIT/IIM, and the size of his "you know what". (pay packet - in case you dont)
So the short black fat dude whose sensitivity was limited to his RSS inflicted fingertips & sense of humour limited to internet forwards but from IIT & working in an MNC with a 6 fig salary could demand for a "very fair, beautiful girl interested in arts. Should be able to sing & dance well". And depending on the width & depth of his 'old mom' network - he could get her also.
Well, times are a changing.
With the so called 'liberalisation' sweeping among women that guys seem to encourage so much hoping to see more women in minis, little do they know that they are digging a grave with their name written all across & sadly most of them will go into it alone, without ever meeting a "fair, beautiful girl" in real life.
The 'dating' scene has hit India.
Now, girls in all metros & mini metros would expect that they would first go on dates with prospective grooms. And this would lead to all sorts of unreasonable expectations - like you would be expected to hold a conversation up without touching any of the following topics - Angelina Jolie, Max Payne, WWE (you may score bonus points if she thinks you are referring to that nature group) or the Indian cricket team. (Other than Dravid though - there is something with girls & dravid)
You would also be required to eat without spilling anything, drink without getting drunk - and no, you cannot stare at the restaurant TV all night and hope for the best. The best among us will fail, if they start expecting us to know the difference between 'salsa' & 'foxtrot'. (Yes, one of them is a mexican dish)
As Indian males, we have lost all our natural instincts to be hunters or gatherers - heck, we know our dads will hunt and our moms will gather. So all of a sudden, we may be asked to get into the arena without training, armour and robbed of our natural instincts through years of matrimonial advertising.
So buckle up country men. Its going to be a tough road ahead. The only hope that I see for majority of the Indian male population is the 'sensitive & funny' route. (Look at Ajay Devgan). Unless you look like Brad Pitt, play the violin, have a running account at a florist and can do the salsa. In which case, as many movies have shown us, you are likely to be a jerk whom the girls will finally ditch, in favour of us - the funny & sensitive ones.
So the short black fat dude whose sensitivity was limited to his RSS inflicted fingertips & sense of humour limited to internet forwards but from IIT & working in an MNC with a 6 fig salary could demand for a "very fair, beautiful girl interested in arts. Should be able to sing & dance well". And depending on the width & depth of his 'old mom' network - he could get her also.
Well, times are a changing.
With the so called 'liberalisation' sweeping among women that guys seem to encourage so much hoping to see more women in minis, little do they know that they are digging a grave with their name written all across & sadly most of them will go into it alone, without ever meeting a "fair, beautiful girl" in real life.
The 'dating' scene has hit India.
Now, girls in all metros & mini metros would expect that they would first go on dates with prospective grooms. And this would lead to all sorts of unreasonable expectations - like you would be expected to hold a conversation up without touching any of the following topics - Angelina Jolie, Max Payne, WWE (you may score bonus points if she thinks you are referring to that nature group) or the Indian cricket team. (Other than Dravid though - there is something with girls & dravid)
You would also be required to eat without spilling anything, drink without getting drunk - and no, you cannot stare at the restaurant TV all night and hope for the best. The best among us will fail, if they start expecting us to know the difference between 'salsa' & 'foxtrot'. (Yes, one of them is a mexican dish)
As Indian males, we have lost all our natural instincts to be hunters or gatherers - heck, we know our dads will hunt and our moms will gather. So all of a sudden, we may be asked to get into the arena without training, armour and robbed of our natural instincts through years of matrimonial advertising.
So buckle up country men. Its going to be a tough road ahead. The only hope that I see for majority of the Indian male population is the 'sensitive & funny' route. (Look at Ajay Devgan). Unless you look like Brad Pitt, play the violin, have a running account at a florist and can do the salsa. In which case, as many movies have shown us, you are likely to be a jerk whom the girls will finally ditch, in favour of us - the funny & sensitive ones.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Random Questions for 2006
Ten random questions I would like to see answered in 2006
1. Can India find a fast bowler? - One who does not bowl looseners, can scare the wits out of a batsman, the way our batsmen can..
2. Is Himesh Reshammiya bald? If not, does he want to be one? Is that why he always wears a cap - come rain/shine or sandstorm?
3. Does Ajay devgan have that good a sense of humour, for Kajol to flip for him? (Nothing personal against ajay devgan here, but this is something that has always puzzled me)
4. Which is a better slimming device? - The Sauna belt or the magnetic slipper? (Both are sold through TV - for those who are interested)
5. Will the New Bangalore airport be constructed in time for the 2048 Asian Games? (Or is it too much to ask?) When it is, will it be modernised?
6. Will Ramiz Raja make an impartial statement on commentary when India is playing Pakistan atleast after Salman Khan gets the Nobel peace prize? (Or do you think one of these days, Salman might just get the damn prize but Ramiz...)
7. Will bollywoods yester year heroes - Dev anand, Dharam, Rajesh Khanna & co finally decide to look their age, thereby bringing the entire hair dye industry to a grinding halt?
8. Will the Mallu accent be considered fashionable - possibly like the French?
9. Would the Supreme court find the Hindi commentary for WWE Wrestling on TV too much for the average Indian to bear & outlaw it?
10. Is there anything that - with the right over emphasis on words, catchy background music & a hard look into the camera - Barkha dutt/Rajdeep Sardesai or Prannoy Roy - cannot make into an issue that concerns every child, man, woman & cattle of India & has to be resolved through an SMS poll?
1. Can India find a fast bowler? - One who does not bowl looseners, can scare the wits out of a batsman, the way our batsmen can..
2. Is Himesh Reshammiya bald? If not, does he want to be one? Is that why he always wears a cap - come rain/shine or sandstorm?
3. Does Ajay devgan have that good a sense of humour, for Kajol to flip for him? (Nothing personal against ajay devgan here, but this is something that has always puzzled me)
4. Which is a better slimming device? - The Sauna belt or the magnetic slipper? (Both are sold through TV - for those who are interested)
5. Will the New Bangalore airport be constructed in time for the 2048 Asian Games? (Or is it too much to ask?) When it is, will it be modernised?
6. Will Ramiz Raja make an impartial statement on commentary when India is playing Pakistan atleast after Salman Khan gets the Nobel peace prize? (Or do you think one of these days, Salman might just get the damn prize but Ramiz...)
7. Will bollywoods yester year heroes - Dev anand, Dharam, Rajesh Khanna & co finally decide to look their age, thereby bringing the entire hair dye industry to a grinding halt?
8. Will the Mallu accent be considered fashionable - possibly like the French?
9. Would the Supreme court find the Hindi commentary for WWE Wrestling on TV too much for the average Indian to bear & outlaw it?
10. Is there anything that - with the right over emphasis on words, catchy background music & a hard look into the camera - Barkha dutt/Rajdeep Sardesai or Prannoy Roy - cannot make into an issue that concerns every child, man, woman & cattle of India & has to be resolved through an SMS poll?
Thursday, January 19, 2006
The Great Indian Patriotic Test
Apparently, the British govt has brought out a test designed to bring out the true patriots from its population. Obviously everyone who fails in this test would be considered traitors or French or both.
The left front in India has called for a similar test to be designed, covering all aspects of Indian culture. They want Soniaji to take the test & once and for all prove her allegiance to India. Find out how patriotic you are by taking it.
1.What is black,wears a weird tie, walks back & forth and thinks he is one of the most powerful man in India?
2.Name the "first family" of India?
3.What has been the most powerful reference to the sport of tennis that India has seen in the last year?
4.What is India's national dish?
5.Who is the only person who can make Indias national icons cry without getting his/her effigy burnt in the streets?
6.How many reality shows featuring singing competitions are on air in India?
Answers
1. The TTE (Travelling Ticket Examiner in our trains)
2. The Bachchans
3. Sachin Tendulkar's tennis elbow
4. Gobi Manchurian
5. Simi Garewal
6. This is a trick question, as no true Indian can answer this.
The left front in India has called for a similar test to be designed, covering all aspects of Indian culture. They want Soniaji to take the test & once and for all prove her allegiance to India. Find out how patriotic you are by taking it.
1.What is black,wears a weird tie, walks back & forth and thinks he is one of the most powerful man in India?
2.Name the "first family" of India?
3.What has been the most powerful reference to the sport of tennis that India has seen in the last year?
4.What is India's national dish?
5.Who is the only person who can make Indias national icons cry without getting his/her effigy burnt in the streets?
6.How many reality shows featuring singing competitions are on air in India?
Answers
1. The TTE (Travelling Ticket Examiner in our trains)
2. The Bachchans
3. Sachin Tendulkar's tennis elbow
4. Gobi Manchurian
5. Simi Garewal
6. This is a trick question, as no true Indian can answer this.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Alternate Career Options - 3
Star Astrologer
Some of us have always had a sneaky feeling that we can see the future, especially of other people. As it turns out, if you have that feeling you could be on TV. But you need to also make predictions about the future on a large scale.
But as fate leaves nothing to chance, there is a shortcut. First, learn all the star signs. This might come in handy. Then learn to generate random combinations of the following sentences
1. You will have a hectic week at work. This might leave you tired
2.You might have some problems at work. Being diplomatic might help you ease the tension
3.You may have some financial problems. Streamlining your budget might help.
4.You may experience some health problems. Timely medical attention will come to your rescue 5.Your job may be less than satisfying at times.
6. Your love life may be heading nowhere. Listening to your inner child is the way out
Voila ! You are on your way. Now let us give it a try. What is your star sign? Libra you say. Your week ahead - read 4,3,5,2. (Dont thank me!)
Some ambitious ones among us may want to go beyond star signs. Try & predict the future of the country for eg. One of the best in the business said "All natural calamities are followed by some bad times for the country"
There are some unbelievers out there, who might try & expose you. They may ask you trick questions like - Is the solar eclipse a bad omen? To them you say, "Yes, especially if you live in a solar powered house" & follow up with "some people consider it to be a bad omen". And you are on your way to reach neither here nor there, but up there with the stars..! One word of warning though - Stay away from anyone who knows what cusp they are born under...!
To see all the above in real life watch Kosmiic Chat on ZOOM TV.
Some of us have always had a sneaky feeling that we can see the future, especially of other people. As it turns out, if you have that feeling you could be on TV. But you need to also make predictions about the future on a large scale.
But as fate leaves nothing to chance, there is a shortcut. First, learn all the star signs. This might come in handy. Then learn to generate random combinations of the following sentences
1. You will have a hectic week at work. This might leave you tired
2.You might have some problems at work. Being diplomatic might help you ease the tension
3.You may have some financial problems. Streamlining your budget might help.
4.You may experience some health problems. Timely medical attention will come to your rescue 5.Your job may be less than satisfying at times.
6. Your love life may be heading nowhere. Listening to your inner child is the way out
Voila ! You are on your way. Now let us give it a try. What is your star sign? Libra you say. Your week ahead - read 4,3,5,2. (Dont thank me!)
Some ambitious ones among us may want to go beyond star signs. Try & predict the future of the country for eg. One of the best in the business said "All natural calamities are followed by some bad times for the country"
There are some unbelievers out there, who might try & expose you. They may ask you trick questions like - Is the solar eclipse a bad omen? To them you say, "Yes, especially if you live in a solar powered house" & follow up with "some people consider it to be a bad omen". And you are on your way to reach neither here nor there, but up there with the stars..! One word of warning though - Stay away from anyone who knows what cusp they are born under...!
To see all the above in real life watch Kosmiic Chat on ZOOM TV.
The Great Indian Train Journey - 1. Things to pack
For anyone not used to train travel across India, the one question that has never been answered thoroughly by any historian or travel show - what should one pack? Well, here goes.
Water, enough to satisfy a marathon team in a desert, carried in a portable water tank, but which still has to be refilled in the "water filling station" by completing a mad rush across the platform in search of the cold water,
three meals a day, starting with the most perishable item being the first, proceeding to less exciting but nevertheless equally elaborate, pickles, juices, fruits, jam, bread, butter, maggi sauce, salt, pepper, snacks of various kinds - namkeen, chips, nuts, haldirams, Lays (magic masala only), coins to be distributed to the less well endowed folk & at times the over-endowed male dressed in a saree,
utensils - plates, disposable & steel (for the man of the house), spoons, knives, plastic jars of various sizes, glasses, baby bottles, jars, clothes - change of clothes, sweaters, blankets, caps, bandanas, bathroom slippers, slippers, shoes, bath towels, fresh clothes to wear before getting off, lungis, paper fans,
2 packs of cards, suitcase to deal the cards on, board games, books, magazines,kids toys, dolls, guns, irritating sound makers for the kids to amuse themselves, soap, shampoo, mug, toothpaste, toothbrush, combs, brushes, the complete shaving kit because you may flout all conventional norms of personal hygiene, but you wont be caught dead with a 5 O clock shadow in a train,
baby diapers, baby toilet seat, baby books & the baby, all packed into the 15 items of luggage that has to be distributed across the compartment.
Water, enough to satisfy a marathon team in a desert, carried in a portable water tank, but which still has to be refilled in the "water filling station" by completing a mad rush across the platform in search of the cold water,
three meals a day, starting with the most perishable item being the first, proceeding to less exciting but nevertheless equally elaborate, pickles, juices, fruits, jam, bread, butter, maggi sauce, salt, pepper, snacks of various kinds - namkeen, chips, nuts, haldirams, Lays (magic masala only), coins to be distributed to the less well endowed folk & at times the over-endowed male dressed in a saree,
utensils - plates, disposable & steel (for the man of the house), spoons, knives, plastic jars of various sizes, glasses, baby bottles, jars, clothes - change of clothes, sweaters, blankets, caps, bandanas, bathroom slippers, slippers, shoes, bath towels, fresh clothes to wear before getting off, lungis, paper fans,
2 packs of cards, suitcase to deal the cards on, board games, books, magazines,kids toys, dolls, guns, irritating sound makers for the kids to amuse themselves, soap, shampoo, mug, toothpaste, toothbrush, combs, brushes, the complete shaving kit because you may flout all conventional norms of personal hygiene, but you wont be caught dead with a 5 O clock shadow in a train,
baby diapers, baby toilet seat, baby books & the baby, all packed into the 15 items of luggage that has to be distributed across the compartment.
Alternate Career Options - 2. Fake Cricketers
Indian cricketers are probably the most expensive stars to put in an ad, after bollywood stars. But then 'suggestion' is everything isnt it? At least 3 brands now use one prominent cricketer, and then have some 4-5 'fellas in blue'around him.
All it takes to become one of these 'background boys' is a distinctive hairstyle closely resembling a cricketer. These days, even that is not hard. All you need to do is ignore your barber for six months. So you can skip all the dirty jobs - You dont need to - carry bottles to stars on the ground, get your effigies (!) burned in front of your home just because you could not hit that last ball six, drink two litres of milk every day or develop an accent specifically for the end of match interview etc.
Not only will you get to feel like a true blood cricketer, you can also con millions of people into buying the product cos they think its half of the indian team on TV. So if you want to be in the limelight, con people while doing it, act as a cricketer even though you may believe that Sourav & Greg are best friends.
All it takes to become one of these 'background boys' is a distinctive hairstyle closely resembling a cricketer. These days, even that is not hard. All you need to do is ignore your barber for six months. So you can skip all the dirty jobs - You dont need to - carry bottles to stars on the ground, get your effigies (!) burned in front of your home just because you could not hit that last ball six, drink two litres of milk every day or develop an accent specifically for the end of match interview etc.
Not only will you get to feel like a true blood cricketer, you can also con millions of people into buying the product cos they think its half of the indian team on TV. So if you want to be in the limelight, con people while doing it, act as a cricketer even though you may believe that Sourav & Greg are best friends.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Alternate Career Options - 1
English tagline writers for Hindi movies.
One of the most sought after jobs in the industry, as no self respecting hindi movie can afford to come out without a tagline. The fast trackers in this field have produced such gems as - "Lucky - No time for love", "Daag - The fire" and"Baaz - A bird in danger". To be a tagliner, you need to have an inborn talent to combine the words love, different & pyaar in as many combinations as possible.
For eg - "A different love story", "Not a different love", "Love differently" etc.
Once you have spent a couple of years writing tag lines, you can choose to be a specialist -
the doubler. These are the best in the field, who specialise in choosing the most creative doubling/arrangement of alphabets where a common, run of the mill spelling wont do. Currently they are more in demand in the TV industry where "Kkusum" & other less famous shows are already teaching kids every where, the fun & 'astrologically correct' way to spell.
Had time given half a chance to these guys, we could have had "KKuch KKuch Hoota HHai" or "KKabbhi khhushhi KKabbhi GUM" when we had to settle for much less. But I am sure that we will all be seeing their work in movie titles very soon.
For the top 1% in this profession, as is the case in every other, the glamour & the big bucks wait. They become 'Personal spelling consultants to movie stars'. These guys tell stars what they should be called. How can a plain Sunil compare to Suniel ? The one extra e adding an aristocratic touch which no amount of hair gel & chewing gum can bring. Hell we knew we wanted a bit more of Ash, but it took these guys to deliver an "Aishwaryaa Rai".
Who knows what would have happened to the great Amjad Khan had he got the benefit of an extra A or K in his name & was not just carrying around AK 47s.?
One of the most sought after jobs in the industry, as no self respecting hindi movie can afford to come out without a tagline. The fast trackers in this field have produced such gems as - "Lucky - No time for love", "Daag - The fire" and"Baaz - A bird in danger". To be a tagliner, you need to have an inborn talent to combine the words love, different & pyaar in as many combinations as possible.
For eg - "A different love story", "Not a different love", "Love differently" etc.
Once you have spent a couple of years writing tag lines, you can choose to be a specialist -
the doubler. These are the best in the field, who specialise in choosing the most creative doubling/arrangement of alphabets where a common, run of the mill spelling wont do. Currently they are more in demand in the TV industry where "Kkusum" & other less famous shows are already teaching kids every where, the fun & 'astrologically correct' way to spell.
Had time given half a chance to these guys, we could have had "KKuch KKuch Hoota HHai" or "KKabbhi khhushhi KKabbhi GUM" when we had to settle for much less. But I am sure that we will all be seeing their work in movie titles very soon.
For the top 1% in this profession, as is the case in every other, the glamour & the big bucks wait. They become 'Personal spelling consultants to movie stars'. These guys tell stars what they should be called. How can a plain Sunil compare to Suniel ? The one extra e adding an aristocratic touch which no amount of hair gel & chewing gum can bring. Hell we knew we wanted a bit more of Ash, but it took these guys to deliver an "Aishwaryaa Rai".
Who knows what would have happened to the great Amjad Khan had he got the benefit of an extra A or K in his name & was not just carrying around AK 47s.?
Monday, October 10, 2005
Four most cliched romantic things which only TV couples seem to do
1. Washing the car together then spraying water over each other, fully clothed unmindful of who will do the laundry or who will explain the water trails all over the apartment complex
2. Having a small fight over the remote & then throwing the popcorn/nachos over your partners head & then continuing to watch the show, despite the smell.
3. The wife helping the husband to shave & miraculously managing not to cut off either his nose, ears or huge chunks of face, in spite of having motive, weapon & opportunity.
4. Driving off at the drop of a hat to Jaipur, throwing to wind all caution about jobs, the piled up dishes at home & leaving the kids to the forces of nature
2. Having a small fight over the remote & then throwing the popcorn/nachos over your partners head & then continuing to watch the show, despite the smell.
3. The wife helping the husband to shave & miraculously managing not to cut off either his nose, ears or huge chunks of face, in spite of having motive, weapon & opportunity.
4. Driving off at the drop of a hat to Jaipur, throwing to wind all caution about jobs, the piled up dishes at home & leaving the kids to the forces of nature
The Great Indian Musical
One in every three & a half guys is supposed to be a Chinese. One in every two Indians is either a contestant, a relative to a contestant, was a contestant or is training to be a contestant in a singing competition on national television.
I am the other one in two.
Indian TV has successfully cracked the puzzle to good reality television - grown men & women crying like little babies. The human angle, I think it is called. First the losers. Then their parents start crying. Then the winners, because they cant just stand around gloating when tears are flowing like champagne. Then, a bit of tear from the hosts who some time back were hell bent on screwing the living hell out of the contestants. All for the larger good.
Then they play one of the following songs:-
1. Kabhi alvida na kehna..
2. Kal...rahe ya na rahe..
3. Musafir hoon yaaron..
Then its time for the winners to gloat.
I would not be surprised if mothers in Mussafurpur and Meenambakkam start training their kids for Indian Idol, along with IIT JEE. Not only would it be financially as sound a decision & the kids would be spared the ignominy of being called geeks.
While spawning a generation of half baked singers who will break into tears every time some one says "shut up dude", this popular movement will also provide much needed employment to the "Seniors" of the musical world. Each contest will need a judge, one who has demonstrable abilities to criticise & keep throwing lines like "It was all ok, but you need to come out of your shell a bit more" at hapless contestants.
Thus everyone will be happy. But my knowledge in abstract mathematics tells me that precisely 50% of the population will go mad by the end of it, or join the other half.
I am the other one in two.
Indian TV has successfully cracked the puzzle to good reality television - grown men & women crying like little babies. The human angle, I think it is called. First the losers. Then their parents start crying. Then the winners, because they cant just stand around gloating when tears are flowing like champagne. Then, a bit of tear from the hosts who some time back were hell bent on screwing the living hell out of the contestants. All for the larger good.
Then they play one of the following songs:-
1. Kabhi alvida na kehna..
2. Kal...rahe ya na rahe..
3. Musafir hoon yaaron..
Then its time for the winners to gloat.
I would not be surprised if mothers in Mussafurpur and Meenambakkam start training their kids for Indian Idol, along with IIT JEE. Not only would it be financially as sound a decision & the kids would be spared the ignominy of being called geeks.
While spawning a generation of half baked singers who will break into tears every time some one says "shut up dude", this popular movement will also provide much needed employment to the "Seniors" of the musical world. Each contest will need a judge, one who has demonstrable abilities to criticise & keep throwing lines like "It was all ok, but you need to come out of your shell a bit more" at hapless contestants.
Thus everyone will be happy. But my knowledge in abstract mathematics tells me that precisely 50% of the population will go mad by the end of it, or join the other half.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
SMS "SHUT-space-UP" to 3636
One gloomy day some bright underworked TV guy thought - wouldnt it be fun to have viewers SMSing live to the channel? The ultimate in 'convergence'! (Among words, this has to be a fast-tracker! From meaning 'the arriving together of a bus, truck, two wheeler and a cow in the middle of the road while trying to outrun each other, it has come to mean 'a cutting edge concoction of all media')
The result - a whole generation of kids whose eyes move like a typewriter - from left to right & back. After the initial few months where the channels themselves had to send these SMSes from 'luvr_boy' and 'cute_gal', this seemed to have 'captured the imagination of the country'. Now any channel with an iota of self pride has SMSes as part of the screen. So not only do you get to see Aiswarya Rai dancing away, you also find out what 'wild_at_heart' from Ranchi is doing for dinner on Saturday. How is that for convergence?
Not all is lost however! What better way for citizens of the greatest democracy on earth to engage in nation building than by particpating in one of the 'SMS surveys' by news channels? This should definitely fire up the underbelly of the country & have people shouting 'the pen is mightier than the sword, but nothing compares to Ak47s as CDMA'.
And we all know for sure that our leaders are also glued to television, taking decisions of national import like our vote against Iran in the UN, depending on what Munnabhai from Kanpur is sending - NUKE IRAN to 3636 or -SPOOK IRAN to 3637. And surely, during the four hours of meeting that the BCCI committee had with GC & SG at least an hour was spent tallying the results of the online poll - "Is SG physically, mentally & emotionally fit to lead the team"
One of my 'sources' from the telecom sector tells me that there are usually about 8 guys participating in each of these polls. But boy your day would be made too if you found out you were part of the 67% who decided "YES - The only way out of this mess is for both Sourav & Greg to appear on "Koffee with Karan", bare all, cry if required, decide between Kareena and Kournikova during rapid fire and then bury the hatchet.
Disclaimer - I have not been paid by any telecom major. If they had, then may be I would not have written this.
The result - a whole generation of kids whose eyes move like a typewriter - from left to right & back. After the initial few months where the channels themselves had to send these SMSes from 'luvr_boy' and 'cute_gal', this seemed to have 'captured the imagination of the country'. Now any channel with an iota of self pride has SMSes as part of the screen. So not only do you get to see Aiswarya Rai dancing away, you also find out what 'wild_at_heart' from Ranchi is doing for dinner on Saturday. How is that for convergence?
Not all is lost however! What better way for citizens of the greatest democracy on earth to engage in nation building than by particpating in one of the 'SMS surveys' by news channels? This should definitely fire up the underbelly of the country & have people shouting 'the pen is mightier than the sword, but nothing compares to Ak47s as CDMA'.
And we all know for sure that our leaders are also glued to television, taking decisions of national import like our vote against Iran in the UN, depending on what Munnabhai from Kanpur is sending - NUKE IRAN to 3636 or -SPOOK IRAN to 3637. And surely, during the four hours of meeting that the BCCI committee had with GC & SG at least an hour was spent tallying the results of the online poll - "Is SG physically, mentally & emotionally fit to lead the team"
One of my 'sources' from the telecom sector tells me that there are usually about 8 guys participating in each of these polls. But boy your day would be made too if you found out you were part of the 67% who decided "YES - The only way out of this mess is for both Sourav & Greg to appear on "Koffee with Karan", bare all, cry if required, decide between Kareena and Kournikova during rapid fire and then bury the hatchet.
Disclaimer - I have not been paid by any telecom major. If they had, then may be I would not have written this.
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