Rich Rich Rich

I have been exposed..!! My post on the chicken rebellion has been published in JAM - a youth magazine. For those who like to read the same thing twice, here's the Cover story in JAM. This should surely open the door to publishing riches for me!

And one flu over the Chickens nest - 1

After centuries of being oppressed, laughed at & being eaten, chicken are striking back. In a brave attempt at regaining their status at the top of the pecking order among domestic fowl below 4 kg, chicken are lashing out. In the last two weeks, it has been widely reported that mysterious chicken are roaming our lands, mingling with unsuspecting people & then handing over cards saying "Welcome to the flu club"

But human response have also been swift - After claiming that this is part of the growing western influence on our eating habits, unidentified miscreants go on to torch all book stores in Mumbai selling 'Chicken soup for the soul' to protect more innocents from learning the recipe. In a symbolic gesture US Vice president tries to shoot down birds that are suspected to carry these cards but also end up shooting his best friend, his wife, a stray cow & Mr Bean .

In yet another sting operation, an IBN reporter dressed as a chicken managed to get an exclusive interview with the top bird, who put forward these demands to end this war.

1. Stop questioning the intentions of Grandpa chicken by repeatedly asking the question "Why did the chicken cross the road" because as he himself has said many times - he was drunk & he does not remember

2. End the existentialist dilemma posed before thousands of young chicken - "Who came first? The egg or the chicken" by constituting a three member empowered committee to figure this out once and for all

3. Recognise the achievements of Johannsen Livingstone Chicken who perfected the art of the chicken run much before seagulls started to fly in crazy patterns & stopped eating dead fish, as an inspirational story of breaking out of your comfort zone & searching for the truth

4. Pay damages to the heirs of the three hundred generations of chicken who underwent severe psychological trauma, when they found out 'McChicken' was not a real surname

(The seeds of this post can be traced to an idea by Rashmi Bansal)

Crooked Drive with a Straight Bat

After having taken all of two loo breaks between the analyses, live telecasts, highlights & analyses, Sanjay Manjrekar finally got off live TV, happy with the fact that all balls, bats, hits, misses, the entire presentation party at each of the ODIs which covered half of Pakistan, the coaches, its drivers, the bellboys, the barbers, the local cops providing security, the local thugs at the boundary line, the witchdoctor who performed half a raindance for some moisture on the wicket, the ex-Mind Your Language script writer who was the language trainer for the commentators & the platform heel supplier for Sivaramakrishnan were analysed one after the other, from all angles through dartfish, wagon wheel, pumice stone & the super slow motion technlogy.

A relieved man, he went on to write an email to the top honcho in Ten Sports about his experiences, with particular reference to an ex pakistani captain. But as is the norm now a days, the email was leaked to an obscure Bengali Pensioners annual magazine, the editors of which are still contemplating whether to publish it or not. But the mandatory hidden camera of an IBN reporter who happened to furtively pass through the building, caught a glimpse of the email, and it was decided that this has enough fire to be an exclusive on the pathetic State of the Nation show. The full, abridged & exclusive version of the email reads

Dear head honcho,

For my show, the Straight Drive, since we could not afford the ridiculous fees asked by Imran Khan, we decided to use a computer controlled animatronix dummy. All we had to do was run a tape in the background saying "Pakistan should change the batting order. Its best players should bat right upfront. Younis at 3, Inzy at 4, Yousuf at 5", "Mohammed Sami", & "Sack Woolmer" every 5 minutes.

This led to some interesting debate -
Me - Imran - any advise to the budding pace trio of India?
Imran - "Pakistan should change the batting order. Its best players should bat right upfront. Younis at 3, Inzy at 4, Yousuf at 5"
Me - So who do you think is the best Indian spinner?
Imran - "Mohammed Sami"
Me - Should pakistan have a bowling coach?
Imran - "Sack Woolmer"

Coming now to the commentators, we faced some protest from the MICC - Marginal Indian Cricketers turned Commentators Union. They insisted that Ten sports refrain from insulting its members by showing their ODI/Test histories on live TV. The visual under question was-

Arun Lal, Former Test Player
3 Tests, 2 Ranji matches & 5 Seniors Benefit Matches (1970 - 1999)

L Sivaramakrishnan, Former Test Player
70 overs (1980 - 2000)

Dean Jones' enthusiasm for getting into the thick of action, saw him get two warnings for running on the pitch - a first for a commentator - while trying to grab an interview as soon as the bowler started his runup to the bowl the delivery that Yuvraj hit to the boundary to win. He also put a lot of performance pressure on the coaches to put up innovative fielding practices for him to report on every day morning - Woolmer asking his boys to recite the alphabet backwards while running forward to take a catch & Chappel hiring bulls from the local farm to charge at Raina & Co while they tried to knock a stump down from a 100 yards. The loser each day had to face the wrath of the entire cricketing world for the non imaginative fielding exercises designed by the coach.

(Imran Khan had this to say about these exercises.."Sack Woolmer")

Ramiz raja tried his best to appear as impartial as a contestant in Fear Factor cheering for his opponent, having first eaten the live animals. But there was a real danger of him losing his prized curls as towards the end of the 4th match, he was pulling out his hair trying to come up with ways to attribute Indias wins to super natural forces, injuries, bad outfields & the weighted coin used for the toss rather than (Oh the unthinkable) bad cricket by Pakistan.

But the real news is that I have come up with a better alternative to Straight drive - The Reverse Sweep! Since I am an expert on Cricket & a proven anchor I can do both roles - so we dont need any other experts. It will be a fitting reply to all who say that there are no Indian all rounders! I will ask the question and I will answer. That way no one can interrupt me while interviewing someone or cut in during my opening lines saying ""Pakistan should change the batting order. Its best players should bat right upfront.."

Yours truly,
Sanjay Manjrekar (At the top of the order)

Statutory Disclaimer - No former cricketers were hurt during the writing of this email

Valentines - Tough days ahead for the Indian male

For many centuries, the youth of India was spared the nervous tension of 'dating' & the subsequent 'finding of the right one'. There was a well oiled network of old moms, aunts & uncles to do it for them. As a result, irrespective of their levels of sensitivity, sense of humour, height, weight & easiness on the eyes, guys got away with murder just based on their genes, whether they were from IIT/IIM, and the size of his "you know what". (pay packet - in case you dont)

So the short black fat dude whose sensitivity was limited to his RSS inflicted fingertips & sense of humour limited to internet forwards but from IIT & working in an MNC with a 6 fig salary could demand for a "very fair, beautiful girl interested in arts. Should be able to sing & dance well". And depending on the width & depth of his 'old mom' network - he could get her also.

Well, times are a changing.

With the so called 'liberalisation' sweeping among women that guys seem to encourage so much hoping to see more women in minis, little do they know that they are digging a grave with their name written all across & sadly most of them will go into it alone, without ever meeting a "fair, beautiful girl" in real life.

The 'dating' scene has hit India.

Now, girls in all metros & mini metros would expect that they would first go on dates with prospective grooms. And this would lead to all sorts of unreasonable expectations - like you would be expected to hold a conversation up without touching any of the following topics - Angelina Jolie, Max Payne, WWE (you may score bonus points if she thinks you are referring to that nature group) or the Indian cricket team. (Other than Dravid though - there is something with girls & dravid)

You would also be required to eat without spilling anything, drink without getting drunk - and no, you cannot stare at the restaurant TV all night and hope for the best. The best among us will fail, if they start expecting us to know the difference between 'salsa' & 'foxtrot'. (Yes, one of them is a mexican dish)

As Indian males, we have lost all our natural instincts to be hunters or gatherers - heck, we know our dads will hunt and our moms will gather. So all of a sudden, we may be asked to get into the arena without training, armour and robbed of our natural instincts through years of matrimonial advertising.

So buckle up country men. Its going to be a tough road ahead. The only hope that I see for majority of the Indian male population is the 'sensitive & funny' route. (Look at Ajay Devgan). Unless you look like Brad Pitt, play the violin, have a running account at a florist and can do the salsa. In which case, as many movies have shown us, you are likely to be a jerk whom the girls will finally ditch, in favour of us - the funny & sensitive ones.

Random Questions for 2006

Ten random questions I would like to see answered in 2006

1. Can India find a fast bowler? - One who does not bowl looseners, can scare the wits out of a batsman, the way our batsmen can..

2. Is Himesh Reshammiya bald? If not, does he want to be one? Is that why he always wears a cap - come rain/shine or sandstorm?

3. Does Ajay devgan have that good a sense of humour, for Kajol to flip for him? (Nothing personal against ajay devgan here, but this is something that has always puzzled me)

4. Which is a better slimming device? - The Sauna belt or the magnetic slipper? (Both are sold through TV - for those who are interested)

5. Will the New Bangalore airport be constructed in time for the 2048 Asian Games? (Or is it too much to ask?) When it is, will it be modernised?

6. Will Ramiz Raja make an impartial statement on commentary when India is playing Pakistan atleast after Salman Khan gets the Nobel peace prize? (Or do you think one of these days, Salman might just get the damn prize but Ramiz...)

7. Will bollywoods yester year heroes - Dev anand, Dharam, Rajesh Khanna & co finally decide to look their age, thereby bringing the entire hair dye industry to a grinding halt?

8. Will the Mallu accent be considered fashionable - possibly like the French?

9. Would the Supreme court find the Hindi commentary for WWE Wrestling on TV too much for the average Indian to bear & outlaw it?

10. Is there anything that - with the right over emphasis on words, catchy background music & a hard look into the camera - Barkha dutt/Rajdeep Sardesai or Prannoy Roy - cannot make into an issue that concerns every child, man, woman & cattle of India & has to be resolved through an SMS poll?