Apparently, the British govt has brought out a test designed to bring out the true patriots from its population. Obviously everyone who fails in this test would be considered traitors or French or both.
The left front in India has called for a similar test to be designed, covering all aspects of Indian culture. They want Soniaji to take the test & once and for all prove her allegiance to India. Find out how patriotic you are by taking it.
1.What is black,wears a weird tie, walks back & forth and thinks he is one of the most powerful man in India?
2.Name the "first family" of India?
3.What has been the most powerful reference to the sport of tennis that India has seen in the last year?
4.What is India's national dish?
5.Who is the only person who can make Indias national icons cry without getting his/her effigy burnt in the streets?
6.How many reality shows featuring singing competitions are on air in India?
Answers
1. The TTE (Travelling Ticket Examiner in our trains)
2. The Bachchans
3. Sachin Tendulkar's tennis elbow
4. Gobi Manchurian
5. Simi Garewal
6. This is a trick question, as no true Indian can answer this.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Cows !
There is this classic forward about two cows & what happens to them in different countries/systems etc. Never one to shy away from a remix, here s a desi version.
KERALA :You have two cows. As soon as you start milking one, there is a huge uproar from the milkers union about how you are trying to deprive poor milkmen of jobs. Then you start a ltd company & offer two milkmen jobs. From the first day there is a strike & lockout demanding better wages. In the meanwhile the court orders that there should be no more milking till the issue is settled by an Ombudsman.
TAMIL NADU :Jayalalithaa owns both the cows. A token is issued to every single Tamilian to collect 1 litre of free milk, a dhoti and a saree.
KARNATAKA :As they are brought into bangalore, the cows get stuck in a traffic jam for a week & die. The IT industry immediately highlights the issue & says how instead of milking cows, the govt should be worried about urban infrastructural issues.
ANDHRA PRADESH :The two cows are milked by foreign consultants & the milk given to the CM. But the entire andhra state can see the cows being milked through a webcam.
GOA :Both the cows are owned by Vijay Mallya. For his fiftieth birthday, all passengers on Kingfisher airlines enjoy beef vindaloo.
BOMBAY :The shiv sena claims that one of the cows is in fact not a Mumbaikar but one of the millions of migrants from rural india. In the following week, 500 cows are killed.
DELHI :There were two cows to begin with. After a week, one of the cows is raped in CP in the afternoon.
KERALA :You have two cows. As soon as you start milking one, there is a huge uproar from the milkers union about how you are trying to deprive poor milkmen of jobs. Then you start a ltd company & offer two milkmen jobs. From the first day there is a strike & lockout demanding better wages. In the meanwhile the court orders that there should be no more milking till the issue is settled by an Ombudsman.
TAMIL NADU :Jayalalithaa owns both the cows. A token is issued to every single Tamilian to collect 1 litre of free milk, a dhoti and a saree.
KARNATAKA :As they are brought into bangalore, the cows get stuck in a traffic jam for a week & die. The IT industry immediately highlights the issue & says how instead of milking cows, the govt should be worried about urban infrastructural issues.
ANDHRA PRADESH :The two cows are milked by foreign consultants & the milk given to the CM. But the entire andhra state can see the cows being milked through a webcam.
GOA :Both the cows are owned by Vijay Mallya. For his fiftieth birthday, all passengers on Kingfisher airlines enjoy beef vindaloo.
BOMBAY :The shiv sena claims that one of the cows is in fact not a Mumbaikar but one of the millions of migrants from rural india. In the following week, 500 cows are killed.
DELHI :There were two cows to begin with. After a week, one of the cows is raped in CP in the afternoon.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Alternate Career Options - 3
Star Astrologer
Some of us have always had a sneaky feeling that we can see the future, especially of other people. As it turns out, if you have that feeling you could be on TV. But you need to also make predictions about the future on a large scale.
But as fate leaves nothing to chance, there is a shortcut. First, learn all the star signs. This might come in handy. Then learn to generate random combinations of the following sentences
1. You will have a hectic week at work. This might leave you tired
2.You might have some problems at work. Being diplomatic might help you ease the tension
3.You may have some financial problems. Streamlining your budget might help.
4.You may experience some health problems. Timely medical attention will come to your rescue 5.Your job may be less than satisfying at times.
6. Your love life may be heading nowhere. Listening to your inner child is the way out
Voila ! You are on your way. Now let us give it a try. What is your star sign? Libra you say. Your week ahead - read 4,3,5,2. (Dont thank me!)
Some ambitious ones among us may want to go beyond star signs. Try & predict the future of the country for eg. One of the best in the business said "All natural calamities are followed by some bad times for the country"
There are some unbelievers out there, who might try & expose you. They may ask you trick questions like - Is the solar eclipse a bad omen? To them you say, "Yes, especially if you live in a solar powered house" & follow up with "some people consider it to be a bad omen". And you are on your way to reach neither here nor there, but up there with the stars..! One word of warning though - Stay away from anyone who knows what cusp they are born under...!
To see all the above in real life watch Kosmiic Chat on ZOOM TV.
Some of us have always had a sneaky feeling that we can see the future, especially of other people. As it turns out, if you have that feeling you could be on TV. But you need to also make predictions about the future on a large scale.
But as fate leaves nothing to chance, there is a shortcut. First, learn all the star signs. This might come in handy. Then learn to generate random combinations of the following sentences
1. You will have a hectic week at work. This might leave you tired
2.You might have some problems at work. Being diplomatic might help you ease the tension
3.You may have some financial problems. Streamlining your budget might help.
4.You may experience some health problems. Timely medical attention will come to your rescue 5.Your job may be less than satisfying at times.
6. Your love life may be heading nowhere. Listening to your inner child is the way out
Voila ! You are on your way. Now let us give it a try. What is your star sign? Libra you say. Your week ahead - read 4,3,5,2. (Dont thank me!)
Some ambitious ones among us may want to go beyond star signs. Try & predict the future of the country for eg. One of the best in the business said "All natural calamities are followed by some bad times for the country"
There are some unbelievers out there, who might try & expose you. They may ask you trick questions like - Is the solar eclipse a bad omen? To them you say, "Yes, especially if you live in a solar powered house" & follow up with "some people consider it to be a bad omen". And you are on your way to reach neither here nor there, but up there with the stars..! One word of warning though - Stay away from anyone who knows what cusp they are born under...!
To see all the above in real life watch Kosmiic Chat on ZOOM TV.
The Great Indian Train Journey - 1. Things to pack
For anyone not used to train travel across India, the one question that has never been answered thoroughly by any historian or travel show - what should one pack? Well, here goes.
Water, enough to satisfy a marathon team in a desert, carried in a portable water tank, but which still has to be refilled in the "water filling station" by completing a mad rush across the platform in search of the cold water,
three meals a day, starting with the most perishable item being the first, proceeding to less exciting but nevertheless equally elaborate, pickles, juices, fruits, jam, bread, butter, maggi sauce, salt, pepper, snacks of various kinds - namkeen, chips, nuts, haldirams, Lays (magic masala only), coins to be distributed to the less well endowed folk & at times the over-endowed male dressed in a saree,
utensils - plates, disposable & steel (for the man of the house), spoons, knives, plastic jars of various sizes, glasses, baby bottles, jars, clothes - change of clothes, sweaters, blankets, caps, bandanas, bathroom slippers, slippers, shoes, bath towels, fresh clothes to wear before getting off, lungis, paper fans,
2 packs of cards, suitcase to deal the cards on, board games, books, magazines,kids toys, dolls, guns, irritating sound makers for the kids to amuse themselves, soap, shampoo, mug, toothpaste, toothbrush, combs, brushes, the complete shaving kit because you may flout all conventional norms of personal hygiene, but you wont be caught dead with a 5 O clock shadow in a train,
baby diapers, baby toilet seat, baby books & the baby, all packed into the 15 items of luggage that has to be distributed across the compartment.
Water, enough to satisfy a marathon team in a desert, carried in a portable water tank, but which still has to be refilled in the "water filling station" by completing a mad rush across the platform in search of the cold water,
three meals a day, starting with the most perishable item being the first, proceeding to less exciting but nevertheless equally elaborate, pickles, juices, fruits, jam, bread, butter, maggi sauce, salt, pepper, snacks of various kinds - namkeen, chips, nuts, haldirams, Lays (magic masala only), coins to be distributed to the less well endowed folk & at times the over-endowed male dressed in a saree,
utensils - plates, disposable & steel (for the man of the house), spoons, knives, plastic jars of various sizes, glasses, baby bottles, jars, clothes - change of clothes, sweaters, blankets, caps, bandanas, bathroom slippers, slippers, shoes, bath towels, fresh clothes to wear before getting off, lungis, paper fans,
2 packs of cards, suitcase to deal the cards on, board games, books, magazines,kids toys, dolls, guns, irritating sound makers for the kids to amuse themselves, soap, shampoo, mug, toothpaste, toothbrush, combs, brushes, the complete shaving kit because you may flout all conventional norms of personal hygiene, but you wont be caught dead with a 5 O clock shadow in a train,
baby diapers, baby toilet seat, baby books & the baby, all packed into the 15 items of luggage that has to be distributed across the compartment.
Alternate Career Options - 2. Fake Cricketers
Indian cricketers are probably the most expensive stars to put in an ad, after bollywood stars. But then 'suggestion' is everything isnt it? At least 3 brands now use one prominent cricketer, and then have some 4-5 'fellas in blue'around him.
All it takes to become one of these 'background boys' is a distinctive hairstyle closely resembling a cricketer. These days, even that is not hard. All you need to do is ignore your barber for six months. So you can skip all the dirty jobs - You dont need to - carry bottles to stars on the ground, get your effigies (!) burned in front of your home just because you could not hit that last ball six, drink two litres of milk every day or develop an accent specifically for the end of match interview etc.
Not only will you get to feel like a true blood cricketer, you can also con millions of people into buying the product cos they think its half of the indian team on TV. So if you want to be in the limelight, con people while doing it, act as a cricketer even though you may believe that Sourav & Greg are best friends.
All it takes to become one of these 'background boys' is a distinctive hairstyle closely resembling a cricketer. These days, even that is not hard. All you need to do is ignore your barber for six months. So you can skip all the dirty jobs - You dont need to - carry bottles to stars on the ground, get your effigies (!) burned in front of your home just because you could not hit that last ball six, drink two litres of milk every day or develop an accent specifically for the end of match interview etc.
Not only will you get to feel like a true blood cricketer, you can also con millions of people into buying the product cos they think its half of the indian team on TV. So if you want to be in the limelight, con people while doing it, act as a cricketer even though you may believe that Sourav & Greg are best friends.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)