Apparently in international flights there is a boarding order - not according to seat nos, but according to personality types. First children less than 2 years, then infants travelling with their mothers, then old ladies (curiously enough no lady came forward during this boarding call), then IIT-IIM types going on an offshore project complete with laptop, mango pickle, iddly podi & all the masalas that have today made their list into banned articles in hand luggage, then firang backpackers who on the strength of the exchange rate can afford business class, then the unfortunate ones who paid full fare on this flight & finally in a condescending voice, we who were clever & grabbed the promo offer which would probably cover fuel costs from the Airport to Adyar were called to board the flight.
In spite of forgetting to login to seatguru.com to find out the best seats for our flight, we managed to get emergency exit seats which had more leg room than business class. The moment the pilot showed us the route map, I was a relieved man. We were flying over land for most of the way, surely in the case of an emergency the pilot would be astute enough to head for the nearest field or a highway atleast instead of heading for the sea? But I also saw Iran in our flight path, & for a brief second I wondered about the soundness of logic of choosing to fly an American airline (Delta) over Iran, exactly on the date when Uncle Bush and his band of musketeers had chosen that specific country for his next cowboys & injuns game.
As part of the onboard announcements, we were assured that even though during the flight you may see the Captain taking a nap or the flight attendants dozing or the pilots little girl at the wheel, trained personnel were always doing what they were supposed to be doing. Sure enough, some 20 minutes into the flight the Captain settled down with a book two seats away from us & woke up only at Paris. I could almost hear a midflight announcement saying "The tail is not responding. Windows cannot end this process itself. Press Ctrl+Alt+Del to terminate immediately or wait for the programme to respond"
Over the next 11 hours, every time someone flushed the loo (every 215 times), I shuddered in my seat looking for the spot where air had rushed in to the plane. My better half slept quite well through all the noise & you will later find out how crucial this turned out.
We landed uneventfully in Paris, the most fashionable & stylish city in the world & I set my best bare foot forward - wearing skimpy floaters. In the next one & a half hour I found out that I was the only one in the entire airport complex, which incidentally is bigger than some of our mid sized cities, attired so. As paranoia set in I saw that the entire developed world was staring at my feet & then looking away saying 'tsk tsk'. Luckily the visa officer could only see me chest up & so I slipped through the Paris style net. The fact that I almost lost a couple of toes to frostbite did not bother me so much then.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Holidays
I am not one to brag that often, but me & my wife just came back from a holiday to London, Scotland & Paris. (Yea!) I am not that afraid of flying, but to overcome an overwhelming temptation to think of how it would be like to plunge down 20000 feet while in the 10 hr flight, I carried a writing pad & a pen. All I managed to write was "Boarding Order" (the two words, not any funny anecdote) through out the trip. So here is an exaggerated version of the trip from memory. To fuel interest in this story here are the various chapters that will go into this travelogue.
1. Boarding order
2. A performance at Garrick
3. Elementary, my dear
4. Lebanese are lebanese wherever they go
5. A DJ dressed as a driver
6. Egyptian escalators
7. Shauns Elysse
8. Du E
1. Boarding order
2. A performance at Garrick
3. Elementary, my dear
4. Lebanese are lebanese wherever they go
5. A DJ dressed as a driver
6. Egyptian escalators
7. Shauns Elysse
8. Du E
Thursday, March 30, 2006
9 to 1
If the countless samurai movies that I have seen are to be believed, Japanese folks are an aggressive lot. Imagine a culture where the most disciplined & self controlled of the lot - the monks, train to be supreme martial art & lethal weapons exponents, during their free time. In India, the most extreme physical activity that any monk has undertaken so far during his free time (according to Sh Ramanand Sagar) has been watching item numbers by 'apsaras' hell bent on breaking his concentration.
So it was not surprising that the Japanese unleashed the most potent & devilish weapon ever invented by man, after Gobi Manchurian Dry. Men, women & kids across remote corners of the world are going crazy over a series of squares - labelled easy, hard & godzilla, a pack of pencils a day & antidepressants. It has been described by many as the disease which would fill up the map of the world shown in many disaster movies, fastest, in red colour. There is no defence against it other than complete illiteracy.
In a classic attempt at disinformation & covering their tracks, the Japanese have gone so far as to say that the weapon was actually invented by an 18th century Swiss post master. Many retired post masters have since then denied this allegation saying that if they could actually use nine numbers simultaneously, then why have we been having only six digit post box numbers? But the most vehement opponent to this so called past-time has been none other than George Bush, saying "It is hard enough to write from 1 to 9 in the correct sequence, making people fill them into tiny little squares along the axes of evil, can only be the handiwork of al Qaeda".
A sudden spike in the number of students taking up complex & imaginary number courses and the reduction of the Amazon rain forest by 30% to meet the demand for pencils have been attributed to the epidemic reach of this weapon. In a rather premature attempt to be the 'thinking supermodel's hero', Salman declared "I think, therefore I Sudoku". Subsequent research has shown that 'Sudoku' actually means 'I am making a fool of myself' in a Japanese dialect spoken only by shaolin monks trained in martial arts & lethal weapons.
So it was not surprising that the Japanese unleashed the most potent & devilish weapon ever invented by man, after Gobi Manchurian Dry. Men, women & kids across remote corners of the world are going crazy over a series of squares - labelled easy, hard & godzilla, a pack of pencils a day & antidepressants. It has been described by many as the disease which would fill up the map of the world shown in many disaster movies, fastest, in red colour. There is no defence against it other than complete illiteracy.
In a classic attempt at disinformation & covering their tracks, the Japanese have gone so far as to say that the weapon was actually invented by an 18th century Swiss post master. Many retired post masters have since then denied this allegation saying that if they could actually use nine numbers simultaneously, then why have we been having only six digit post box numbers? But the most vehement opponent to this so called past-time has been none other than George Bush, saying "It is hard enough to write from 1 to 9 in the correct sequence, making people fill them into tiny little squares along the axes of evil, can only be the handiwork of al Qaeda".
A sudden spike in the number of students taking up complex & imaginary number courses and the reduction of the Amazon rain forest by 30% to meet the demand for pencils have been attributed to the epidemic reach of this weapon. In a rather premature attempt to be the 'thinking supermodel's hero', Salman declared "I think, therefore I Sudoku". Subsequent research has shown that 'Sudoku' actually means 'I am making a fool of myself' in a Japanese dialect spoken only by shaolin monks trained in martial arts & lethal weapons.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Balance of Power
There was a huge celebration in different parts of the country following the government's announcement that electricity would be supplied from 8 AM - 6 PM & 11 PM - 5 AM. However this cheer was shortlived as the govt quickly issued a correction saying electricity would definitely be cut off between 6 - 11 PM, but categorically denied all rumours of an assured supply during the rest of the day.
Soap majors - HLL, P&G & EKTAA Kappoor cried foul,labelling the whole suggestion as a conspiracy from MNCs to shut down the lucrative domestic soap industry. Ekta went one step further and offered to bring back to life any hero or vamp who had been killed off in any show of the power ministers wife's choice. Immediately after this the power minister resigned citing 'urgent domestic matters that require his personal attention' as a reason.
However, the English Teachers Association of India immediately hailed the decision saying that it will save an entire generation of young Indians from impending doom as they would not be exposed to 'astrologically correct' spelling & hence not develop a psychotic tendency to add an extra vowel to every word.
Ram Singh, a hardcore SRK fan - arrested by the police for the seventh time trying to redirect water from an overhead tank onto a cycle wheel & hoping to generate electricity for his entire village - could not understand what the fuss was all about & said that each Indian should stand up & try to generate his own power.
The UPA govt claimed a major victory for the 'Common Minimum Programme' which is the blueprint for an exciting life for the Common man with Minimum resources but a strong strategic nuclear Programme. But having a corporate outlook, the new minister commissioned a Consulting Major to come up with some solutions to the power crisis. Some lateral thinking months later, the firm suggested these alternatives -
1. Ban the famous "Readers Digest - You have won a fabulous prize" mailers. The firm found that hundreds of urban indians stay awake all night, consuming 100 MW of electricity trying to refer 50 of their close friends for an RD subscription, hoping to win a "How not to Retain your Friends - A best seller by Richard Lovelost"
2. Save the entire North East power grid by banning any future reruns of 'Saregama - the Final'. Apparently 4 lakh SMSes are received every day that some passing remark on Debojit's win appears on TV. Potential power savings also include hospitalisation costs of thousands of diehard fans currently undergoing treatment for thumb injuries.
3. Switch off power as soon as Dravid & Wasim Jaffer comes to bat together in any test innings. A three hour power cut during this period will save 500 MW and the viewer will miss only about three runs scored between them.
4. Arrange for a roadshow of 'Swades' in the different US cities, trying to lure back NRI rocket scientists from NASA to travel around the country in airconditioned caravans & build badly needed dams
Soap majors - HLL, P&G & EKTAA Kappoor cried foul,labelling the whole suggestion as a conspiracy from MNCs to shut down the lucrative domestic soap industry. Ekta went one step further and offered to bring back to life any hero or vamp who had been killed off in any show of the power ministers wife's choice. Immediately after this the power minister resigned citing 'urgent domestic matters that require his personal attention' as a reason.
However, the English Teachers Association of India immediately hailed the decision saying that it will save an entire generation of young Indians from impending doom as they would not be exposed to 'astrologically correct' spelling & hence not develop a psychotic tendency to add an extra vowel to every word.
Ram Singh, a hardcore SRK fan - arrested by the police for the seventh time trying to redirect water from an overhead tank onto a cycle wheel & hoping to generate electricity for his entire village - could not understand what the fuss was all about & said that each Indian should stand up & try to generate his own power.
The UPA govt claimed a major victory for the 'Common Minimum Programme' which is the blueprint for an exciting life for the Common man with Minimum resources but a strong strategic nuclear Programme. But having a corporate outlook, the new minister commissioned a Consulting Major to come up with some solutions to the power crisis. Some lateral thinking months later, the firm suggested these alternatives -
1. Ban the famous "Readers Digest - You have won a fabulous prize" mailers. The firm found that hundreds of urban indians stay awake all night, consuming 100 MW of electricity trying to refer 50 of their close friends for an RD subscription, hoping to win a "How not to Retain your Friends - A best seller by Richard Lovelost"
2. Save the entire North East power grid by banning any future reruns of 'Saregama - the Final'. Apparently 4 lakh SMSes are received every day that some passing remark on Debojit's win appears on TV. Potential power savings also include hospitalisation costs of thousands of diehard fans currently undergoing treatment for thumb injuries.
3. Switch off power as soon as Dravid & Wasim Jaffer comes to bat together in any test innings. A three hour power cut during this period will save 500 MW and the viewer will miss only about three runs scored between them.
4. Arrange for a roadshow of 'Swades' in the different US cities, trying to lure back NRI rocket scientists from NASA to travel around the country in airconditioned caravans & build badly needed dams
Thursday, March 02, 2006
When Bush comes to shove
The past weeks have seen hectic activity across the 100 news channels in India with the impending arrival of who is billed as "ironically, the most powerful man in the universe with an IQ of a dead Texan bull who can accurately name the heads of state of almost two countries". The diplomatic community in India has been burning the midnight oil in its civilian facilities trying hard to achieve the impossible - not to come across as 'too clever' in front of Mr President. So it was decided that a 'special' group of people whom the President could relate to & share cowboy jokes with, would accompany him everywhere to keep the 'smart ones' out. Of course this meant that the President would not actually talk with anyone in India throughout his trip other than 'lip service' - where you see him on TV mumbling, laughing & patting everyone on the back while actually not saying anything.
A lot of potential candidates were screened for selection to this special,challenged group. The primary criteria being that you should fail the "Classic Bihar Entrance Test", which has been Indias most noted contribution to the field of science, after zero.You also had to talk tough & texan and be able to spot a weapon of mass destruction as soon as she walked past the next block.
Hundreds of people - including ex poor commentators turned longlasting-invertor brand ambassadors/ex vocal,inquisitive & donation-friendly parliamentarians/ex Indian Idol aspirants & judges/ex Miss India contestants & defenders of world peace - all went through the process but finally a group of three were chosen.
Beating all his contestants bare hands down & beating up some of them, Salman was the first chosen one. Not only was he chosen for his 'as fast as mumbai traffic' wit, but also for his '100% natural American accent' which would enable him to smoothly carry out one line conversations with the President. He was also expected to pass on a few tips of his own about foreign policy, having handled quite a number of foreign born models with consummate ease. Salman was quite happy to note that George and his vice president were avid hunters & looked forward to shooting down some of those damn deer without having to appear before a sub-magistrate.
After searching the width & depth of the entire cowbelt for a suitable candidate, the panel decided that one Mr Laloo, even with a depleted cow population after his cow shed was transformed into a server room by the new tech savy CM, was as close as you could get to a cowboy in India at such a short notice. Laloo himself wanted to crown his political career by getting George to announce a fully airconditioned 'Garibi Rath' from Patna to Pentagon. He also felt that George should really take it a bit easy by letting his 'First wife' to rule the country on his behalf.
The judges had a tough time choosing the last one as it really came down to the wire between Simi G & Karan J, both excellent talkers. But finally Simi G was chosen because not only could she use complex words like 'rendezvous' to mean idle banter with the intention of making one cry but also relate to the inner child in George, who practically made all decisions relating to foreign policy. Simi had all intentions of cracking a life time scoop with George & Laura but she was not sure if the President would dress up in white & wear a stars & stripes hat to match her decor.
With these three dynamic faces of India safeguarding George from the left front, the hartal called in Kerala & most importantly that blasted 'voice of reason', the diplomatic community was positive that the N deal would fall through.
(All persons, references to heads of state & countries and animals are fictitious. But those trying real hard might detect some similarities to real life people - but remember you brought them up)
A lot of potential candidates were screened for selection to this special,challenged group. The primary criteria being that you should fail the "Classic Bihar Entrance Test", which has been Indias most noted contribution to the field of science, after zero.You also had to talk tough & texan and be able to spot a weapon of mass destruction as soon as she walked past the next block.
Hundreds of people - including ex poor commentators turned longlasting-invertor brand ambassadors/ex vocal,inquisitive & donation-friendly parliamentarians/ex Indian Idol aspirants & judges/ex Miss India contestants & defenders of world peace - all went through the process but finally a group of three were chosen.
Beating all his contestants bare hands down & beating up some of them, Salman was the first chosen one. Not only was he chosen for his 'as fast as mumbai traffic' wit, but also for his '100% natural American accent' which would enable him to smoothly carry out one line conversations with the President. He was also expected to pass on a few tips of his own about foreign policy, having handled quite a number of foreign born models with consummate ease. Salman was quite happy to note that George and his vice president were avid hunters & looked forward to shooting down some of those damn deer without having to appear before a sub-magistrate.
After searching the width & depth of the entire cowbelt for a suitable candidate, the panel decided that one Mr Laloo, even with a depleted cow population after his cow shed was transformed into a server room by the new tech savy CM, was as close as you could get to a cowboy in India at such a short notice. Laloo himself wanted to crown his political career by getting George to announce a fully airconditioned 'Garibi Rath' from Patna to Pentagon. He also felt that George should really take it a bit easy by letting his 'First wife' to rule the country on his behalf.
The judges had a tough time choosing the last one as it really came down to the wire between Simi G & Karan J, both excellent talkers. But finally Simi G was chosen because not only could she use complex words like 'rendezvous' to mean idle banter with the intention of making one cry but also relate to the inner child in George, who practically made all decisions relating to foreign policy. Simi had all intentions of cracking a life time scoop with George & Laura but she was not sure if the President would dress up in white & wear a stars & stripes hat to match her decor.
With these three dynamic faces of India safeguarding George from the left front, the hartal called in Kerala & most importantly that blasted 'voice of reason', the diplomatic community was positive that the N deal would fall through.
(All persons, references to heads of state & countries and animals are fictitious. But those trying real hard might detect some similarities to real life people - but remember you brought them up)
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