Crooked Drive with a Straight Bat

After having taken all of two loo breaks between the analyses, live telecasts, highlights & analyses, Sanjay Manjrekar finally got off live TV, happy with the fact that all balls, bats, hits, misses, the entire presentation party at each of the ODIs which covered half of Pakistan, the coaches, its drivers, the bellboys, the barbers, the local cops providing security, the local thugs at the boundary line, the witchdoctor who performed half a raindance for some moisture on the wicket, the ex-Mind Your Language script writer who was the language trainer for the commentators & the platform heel supplier for Sivaramakrishnan were analysed one after the other, from all angles through dartfish, wagon wheel, pumice stone & the super slow motion technlogy.

A relieved man, he went on to write an email to the top honcho in Ten Sports about his experiences, with particular reference to an ex pakistani captain. But as is the norm now a days, the email was leaked to an obscure Bengali Pensioners annual magazine, the editors of which are still contemplating whether to publish it or not. But the mandatory hidden camera of an IBN reporter who happened to furtively pass through the building, caught a glimpse of the email, and it was decided that this has enough fire to be an exclusive on the pathetic State of the Nation show. The full, abridged & exclusive version of the email reads

Dear head honcho,

For my show, the Straight Drive, since we could not afford the ridiculous fees asked by Imran Khan, we decided to use a computer controlled animatronix dummy. All we had to do was run a tape in the background saying "Pakistan should change the batting order. Its best players should bat right upfront. Younis at 3, Inzy at 4, Yousuf at 5", "Mohammed Sami", & "Sack Woolmer" every 5 minutes.

This led to some interesting debate -
Me - Imran - any advise to the budding pace trio of India?
Imran - "Pakistan should change the batting order. Its best players should bat right upfront. Younis at 3, Inzy at 4, Yousuf at 5"
Me - So who do you think is the best Indian spinner?
Imran - "Mohammed Sami"
Me - Should pakistan have a bowling coach?
Imran - "Sack Woolmer"

Coming now to the commentators, we faced some protest from the MICC - Marginal Indian Cricketers turned Commentators Union. They insisted that Ten sports refrain from insulting its members by showing their ODI/Test histories on live TV. The visual under question was-

Arun Lal, Former Test Player
3 Tests, 2 Ranji matches & 5 Seniors Benefit Matches (1970 - 1999)

L Sivaramakrishnan, Former Test Player
70 overs (1980 - 2000)

Dean Jones' enthusiasm for getting into the thick of action, saw him get two warnings for running on the pitch - a first for a commentator - while trying to grab an interview as soon as the bowler started his runup to the bowl the delivery that Yuvraj hit to the boundary to win. He also put a lot of performance pressure on the coaches to put up innovative fielding practices for him to report on every day morning - Woolmer asking his boys to recite the alphabet backwards while running forward to take a catch & Chappel hiring bulls from the local farm to charge at Raina & Co while they tried to knock a stump down from a 100 yards. The loser each day had to face the wrath of the entire cricketing world for the non imaginative fielding exercises designed by the coach.

(Imran Khan had this to say about these exercises.."Sack Woolmer")

Ramiz raja tried his best to appear as impartial as a contestant in Fear Factor cheering for his opponent, having first eaten the live animals. But there was a real danger of him losing his prized curls as towards the end of the 4th match, he was pulling out his hair trying to come up with ways to attribute Indias wins to super natural forces, injuries, bad outfields & the weighted coin used for the toss rather than (Oh the unthinkable) bad cricket by Pakistan.

But the real news is that I have come up with a better alternative to Straight drive - The Reverse Sweep! Since I am an expert on Cricket & a proven anchor I can do both roles - so we dont need any other experts. It will be a fitting reply to all who say that there are no Indian all rounders! I will ask the question and I will answer. That way no one can interrupt me while interviewing someone or cut in during my opening lines saying ""Pakistan should change the batting order. Its best players should bat right upfront.."

Yours truly,
Sanjay Manjrekar (At the top of the order)

Statutory Disclaimer - No former cricketers were hurt during the writing of this email