Star Astrologer
Some of us have always had a sneaky feeling that we can see the future, especially of other people. As it turns out, if you have that feeling you could be on TV. But you need to also make predictions about the future on a large scale.
But as fate leaves nothing to chance, there is a shortcut. First, learn all the star signs. This might come in handy. Then learn to generate random combinations of the following sentences
1. You will have a hectic week at work. This might leave you tired
2.You might have some problems at work. Being diplomatic might help you ease the tension
3.You may have some financial problems. Streamlining your budget might help.
4.You may experience some health problems. Timely medical attention will come to your rescue 5.Your job may be less than satisfying at times.
6. Your love life may be heading nowhere. Listening to your inner child is the way out
Voila ! You are on your way. Now let us give it a try. What is your star sign? Libra you say. Your week ahead - read 4,3,5,2. (Dont thank me!)
Some ambitious ones among us may want to go beyond star signs. Try & predict the future of the country for eg. One of the best in the business said "All natural calamities are followed by some bad times for the country"
There are some unbelievers out there, who might try & expose you. They may ask you trick questions like - Is the solar eclipse a bad omen? To them you say, "Yes, especially if you live in a solar powered house" & follow up with "some people consider it to be a bad omen". And you are on your way to reach neither here nor there, but up there with the stars..! One word of warning though - Stay away from anyone who knows what cusp they are born under...!
To see all the above in real life watch Kosmiic Chat on ZOOM TV.
Monday, November 14, 2005
The Great Indian Train Journey - 1. Things to pack
For anyone not used to train travel across India, the one question that has never been answered thoroughly by any historian or travel show - what should one pack? Well, here goes.
Water, enough to satisfy a marathon team in a desert, carried in a portable water tank, but which still has to be refilled in the "water filling station" by completing a mad rush across the platform in search of the cold water,
three meals a day, starting with the most perishable item being the first, proceeding to less exciting but nevertheless equally elaborate, pickles, juices, fruits, jam, bread, butter, maggi sauce, salt, pepper, snacks of various kinds - namkeen, chips, nuts, haldirams, Lays (magic masala only), coins to be distributed to the less well endowed folk & at times the over-endowed male dressed in a saree,
utensils - plates, disposable & steel (for the man of the house), spoons, knives, plastic jars of various sizes, glasses, baby bottles, jars, clothes - change of clothes, sweaters, blankets, caps, bandanas, bathroom slippers, slippers, shoes, bath towels, fresh clothes to wear before getting off, lungis, paper fans,
2 packs of cards, suitcase to deal the cards on, board games, books, magazines,kids toys, dolls, guns, irritating sound makers for the kids to amuse themselves, soap, shampoo, mug, toothpaste, toothbrush, combs, brushes, the complete shaving kit because you may flout all conventional norms of personal hygiene, but you wont be caught dead with a 5 O clock shadow in a train,
baby diapers, baby toilet seat, baby books & the baby, all packed into the 15 items of luggage that has to be distributed across the compartment.
Water, enough to satisfy a marathon team in a desert, carried in a portable water tank, but which still has to be refilled in the "water filling station" by completing a mad rush across the platform in search of the cold water,
three meals a day, starting with the most perishable item being the first, proceeding to less exciting but nevertheless equally elaborate, pickles, juices, fruits, jam, bread, butter, maggi sauce, salt, pepper, snacks of various kinds - namkeen, chips, nuts, haldirams, Lays (magic masala only), coins to be distributed to the less well endowed folk & at times the over-endowed male dressed in a saree,
utensils - plates, disposable & steel (for the man of the house), spoons, knives, plastic jars of various sizes, glasses, baby bottles, jars, clothes - change of clothes, sweaters, blankets, caps, bandanas, bathroom slippers, slippers, shoes, bath towels, fresh clothes to wear before getting off, lungis, paper fans,
2 packs of cards, suitcase to deal the cards on, board games, books, magazines,kids toys, dolls, guns, irritating sound makers for the kids to amuse themselves, soap, shampoo, mug, toothpaste, toothbrush, combs, brushes, the complete shaving kit because you may flout all conventional norms of personal hygiene, but you wont be caught dead with a 5 O clock shadow in a train,
baby diapers, baby toilet seat, baby books & the baby, all packed into the 15 items of luggage that has to be distributed across the compartment.
Alternate Career Options - 2. Fake Cricketers
Indian cricketers are probably the most expensive stars to put in an ad, after bollywood stars. But then 'suggestion' is everything isnt it? At least 3 brands now use one prominent cricketer, and then have some 4-5 'fellas in blue'around him.
All it takes to become one of these 'background boys' is a distinctive hairstyle closely resembling a cricketer. These days, even that is not hard. All you need to do is ignore your barber for six months. So you can skip all the dirty jobs - You dont need to - carry bottles to stars on the ground, get your effigies (!) burned in front of your home just because you could not hit that last ball six, drink two litres of milk every day or develop an accent specifically for the end of match interview etc.
Not only will you get to feel like a true blood cricketer, you can also con millions of people into buying the product cos they think its half of the indian team on TV. So if you want to be in the limelight, con people while doing it, act as a cricketer even though you may believe that Sourav & Greg are best friends.
All it takes to become one of these 'background boys' is a distinctive hairstyle closely resembling a cricketer. These days, even that is not hard. All you need to do is ignore your barber for six months. So you can skip all the dirty jobs - You dont need to - carry bottles to stars on the ground, get your effigies (!) burned in front of your home just because you could not hit that last ball six, drink two litres of milk every day or develop an accent specifically for the end of match interview etc.
Not only will you get to feel like a true blood cricketer, you can also con millions of people into buying the product cos they think its half of the indian team on TV. So if you want to be in the limelight, con people while doing it, act as a cricketer even though you may believe that Sourav & Greg are best friends.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Alternate Career Options - 1
English tagline writers for Hindi movies.
One of the most sought after jobs in the industry, as no self respecting hindi movie can afford to come out without a tagline. The fast trackers in this field have produced such gems as - "Lucky - No time for love", "Daag - The fire" and"Baaz - A bird in danger". To be a tagliner, you need to have an inborn talent to combine the words love, different & pyaar in as many combinations as possible.
For eg - "A different love story", "Not a different love", "Love differently" etc.
Once you have spent a couple of years writing tag lines, you can choose to be a specialist -
the doubler. These are the best in the field, who specialise in choosing the most creative doubling/arrangement of alphabets where a common, run of the mill spelling wont do. Currently they are more in demand in the TV industry where "Kkusum" & other less famous shows are already teaching kids every where, the fun & 'astrologically correct' way to spell.
Had time given half a chance to these guys, we could have had "KKuch KKuch Hoota HHai" or "KKabbhi khhushhi KKabbhi GUM" when we had to settle for much less. But I am sure that we will all be seeing their work in movie titles very soon.
For the top 1% in this profession, as is the case in every other, the glamour & the big bucks wait. They become 'Personal spelling consultants to movie stars'. These guys tell stars what they should be called. How can a plain Sunil compare to Suniel ? The one extra e adding an aristocratic touch which no amount of hair gel & chewing gum can bring. Hell we knew we wanted a bit more of Ash, but it took these guys to deliver an "Aishwaryaa Rai".
Who knows what would have happened to the great Amjad Khan had he got the benefit of an extra A or K in his name & was not just carrying around AK 47s.?
One of the most sought after jobs in the industry, as no self respecting hindi movie can afford to come out without a tagline. The fast trackers in this field have produced such gems as - "Lucky - No time for love", "Daag - The fire" and"Baaz - A bird in danger". To be a tagliner, you need to have an inborn talent to combine the words love, different & pyaar in as many combinations as possible.
For eg - "A different love story", "Not a different love", "Love differently" etc.
Once you have spent a couple of years writing tag lines, you can choose to be a specialist -
the doubler. These are the best in the field, who specialise in choosing the most creative doubling/arrangement of alphabets where a common, run of the mill spelling wont do. Currently they are more in demand in the TV industry where "Kkusum" & other less famous shows are already teaching kids every where, the fun & 'astrologically correct' way to spell.
Had time given half a chance to these guys, we could have had "KKuch KKuch Hoota HHai" or "KKabbhi khhushhi KKabbhi GUM" when we had to settle for much less. But I am sure that we will all be seeing their work in movie titles very soon.
For the top 1% in this profession, as is the case in every other, the glamour & the big bucks wait. They become 'Personal spelling consultants to movie stars'. These guys tell stars what they should be called. How can a plain Sunil compare to Suniel ? The one extra e adding an aristocratic touch which no amount of hair gel & chewing gum can bring. Hell we knew we wanted a bit more of Ash, but it took these guys to deliver an "Aishwaryaa Rai".
Who knows what would have happened to the great Amjad Khan had he got the benefit of an extra A or K in his name & was not just carrying around AK 47s.?
Monday, October 10, 2005
Four most cliched romantic things which only TV couples seem to do
1. Washing the car together then spraying water over each other, fully clothed unmindful of who will do the laundry or who will explain the water trails all over the apartment complex
2. Having a small fight over the remote & then throwing the popcorn/nachos over your partners head & then continuing to watch the show, despite the smell.
3. The wife helping the husband to shave & miraculously managing not to cut off either his nose, ears or huge chunks of face, in spite of having motive, weapon & opportunity.
4. Driving off at the drop of a hat to Jaipur, throwing to wind all caution about jobs, the piled up dishes at home & leaving the kids to the forces of nature
2. Having a small fight over the remote & then throwing the popcorn/nachos over your partners head & then continuing to watch the show, despite the smell.
3. The wife helping the husband to shave & miraculously managing not to cut off either his nose, ears or huge chunks of face, in spite of having motive, weapon & opportunity.
4. Driving off at the drop of a hat to Jaipur, throwing to wind all caution about jobs, the piled up dishes at home & leaving the kids to the forces of nature
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